Poetic Justice

Well, well, well! I received an interesting phone call on Friday morning. From my old boss. Apparently the woman he hired to replace me quit without giving any notice, citing stress and hatred of the facility as reasons. I was asked again to reconsider coming back to run the social services department. As flattering as that was, and as nice as I'm sure the money would've been since he'd have to give me a HUGE raise to entice me back, it was so easy to say no! I would have to be pretty bad off to go back to that mess! I hate it for them that the director wasn't happy and that the part-time staff are stuck with all of the work right at Christmas time. And I definitely don't want any residents to do without!! But another part of me, the devil sitting on my right shoulder, is giggling about it. I can only imagine how many things are falling apart over there and how the state surveyors are going to decimate the charts. Perhaps the nursing staff will learn to appreciate their social workers more now that they're doing without them.

Christmas was probably one of the most fun I've had in years, aside from the year Don proposed. :) We had a good time in West Virginia, visiting with my family and eating too much. Some of my favorite gifts: my Atari flashback set (I've been playing Pitfall!!), the jewelry Don made for me, a giftcard to Lowe's, and the "Sisterhood" DVD. I was relieved to get home, though. I find that I miss my life here when I'm away, now that it's actually fun again. I'm even looking forward to going to work tomorrow!

My heart hurts

I did go to the 'cliff to see Ida the other day. I was right for being concerned about her competency to sign for POA, that her mind and health may not last much longer. When I entered her room, I simply stood there and stared, too shocked to move at first. She had a huge hematoma on the right side of her head where she had fallen a few days ago. She wouldn't open her eyes to look at me, and she could barely talk to me although she knew I was there and called me by name. I didn't know what to do except to stay with her and hold her hand. I brought her Christmas gifts back home with me. Hopefully she'll be able to open them soon, but I'm not so sure. I don't really know what to do now except pray.

While I was there, I got to spend some time talking with one of my former co-workers, David. We didn't spend too much time together when I worked there, but we were always able to converse easily and had mutual respect for each other's work (he's a restorative aide). David's gay, and as I sat in the dining room with him while he was feeding a resident, his very sweet boyfriend (I'm assuming) came in and I got to meet him and talk with him for awhile, too. As I was leaving, I told them our church Christmas musical was that evening and Don was in it, so I had to get going. David said something like, "oh wow! You know, that church down the street had a live nativity set up in their parking lot the other night and I didn't have time to stop, but I wanted to go in. I just drove by really slow trying to see everything."

That one little comment really got me thinking about David and my other gay friends. I have had several gay friends and acquaintances over the years, and even though none of them were extremely close friendships, I hung out with some of these guys one-on-one and even a double-date (which got interesting). I definitely have my opinions about homosexuality, and I'm not here to debate whether I think it's their choice or not, if it's right or wrong, etc. It really doesn't matter what I think about the etymology of it, anyway. God didn't ask me, and I doubt He ever will!

I have always been concerned about the spiritual lives of my gay friends like I would be of any other of my friends, but I have honestly never known how to approach them about it. My former hairdresser, Mike, has talked to me about his past and how churches don't have a place for him, and he really doesn't think about God that much because the life he leads would not be approved by conventional churches. From that conversation and other observations, my perception was that most gays really aren't interested in God since they feel they will instantly be crucified by the church because of their "lifestyle". So basically, with those friends, I tucked away the concern I had for their hearts for the sake of keeping their friendship. I never hid who I was from them, but I never came right out and talked to them about God, either.

David really surprised me with his enthusiasm for the church nativity scene. I couldn't help wondering how many times he's driven by a church, curious about what's going on inside. I wonder how many times he's opened a Bible, or how he tries to fill the God-shaped hole in his heart. I never truly realized until that day that even my most self-assured gay friends have a desire for God, too, whether or not they realize it themselves. We've all been hard-wired to need God, being created in His image.

I think about those friends who might have needed me to show gentle concern for the condition of their spirit, and I feel an ache in my own heart. Kind of like the scene at the end of Schindler's list where the guy looks out at all of the Jews he saved, then looks down at his watch and realized that if he'd sold it he could've saved more people from dying. I sincerely wish I hadn't been so passive.

Looking forward to this week!

I forgot about one of my favorite things about Christmas, aside from the food, parties, presents, and Jesus's birth (duh!). This is the time of year that several of my close friends are in town or passing through, and they'll come over for dinner or to spend the night or just get in some good hanging-out time. Joy's already been by, and we'll get to see Heather and Brian on Tuesday, and then Christine will stay over a few days after Christmas. That's over half of my wedding party right there! Last night I checked my voice mail and had messages from three other friends calling just to say hi. That gave me lots of warm fuzzies. :) I can't wait to catch up with everyone! I am so, so thankful for my friends. God's blessed me with some truly terrific ones... I consider them as family by choice, not by blood.

My elderly friend, Ida, who I spoke of some time ago... I'm on my way to see her this afternoon. She had asked me to take over as her power-of-attorney, which I am happy to do, so I went to a lawyer's office and had the papers drawn up for her to sign. Then Ida started getting nervous about making her current POA angry, and she's been riding the fence about what to do, therefore we still don't have the paperwork complete. She keeps telling me she wants to think about it some more, which is her prerogative, however she's 93 years old, her mind is not the greatest, and there's a strong possibility that if she keeps putting it off, she won't be able to sign anything if her mind gets worse. I really don't know what to do with her. Hopefully today will be a good visit and will shed some light about what our next steps will be.

Don's performing in our church Christmas musical tonight... he's playing Jacob. I can't wait to see him in action! He got roped into a speaking part in the Easter musical after another guy had a family emergency and had to back out. That was Don's acting debut and he was GREAT! Too bad I missed the entire thing... I was in Texas at the time... but I did get to see the video. Tonight should be fun!

Mmmmmmmmmmmm... I'm excited about this week. Don and I will have our own Christmas celebration here on Wednesday evening. I'm trying to figure out what I'm getting. He put little clues on each gift but I still am not sure what's in the boxes. I like that! The only thing I'm sure of is a Bart Millard CD. We're going to WV for the 24th-26th to hang out with my family. I know my mom's getting me the WOW 2006 CD and "Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants" DVD. (Yes, the title's stupid but it's actually a quality movie.) My dad called a couple of days ago for gift ideas, and I told him 2 CD's: Joss Stone and Jars of Clay. I really don't know how to say what I want for Christmas. Most of the things I want aren't easy for other people to buy for me. But I think I did well on my gift-buying this year. Having an employee discount at the bookstore really helps!

Icky morning

It's so rainy and cold outside! Wouldn't be so bad if I didn't actually have to get out in it today, or if Don didn't have to work in it. It's so hard to get moving on days like this.

I have not been looking forward to this morning. My to-do list is a mile long, and it includes going to two businesses to argue over bills they sent me where I believe the bills were either keyed in wrong or else I was charged for services without being informed of them. I HATE confrontation but I hate wasting money even more.

Babies everywhere!

Wow! My friend Michele had her second baby girl on Tuesday morning, and my friend Rachael gave birth to her first child today. I am so happy to know that everyone's happy and healthy and doing well! Actually... happy is far too weak of a word... rejoicing is more like it!

Two of the gals I work with are also pregnant. One day an old man walked in and saw only the pregnant women and wondered what was in the water in our store! It was sorta funny. I have no intentions of joining the ranks anytime soon, thank you very much! It's not time!

I have been so busy lately that I find myself staying up half the night just so I can get some time to think or read or clean or whatever else is pressing at that particular moment. After the Christmas rush of parties, church functions, extra work hours, and Mission of Hope, I expect things to calm down somewhat. I can't keep up this pace indefinitely. College was like this for four straight years, but I only survived by existing in an adrenaline and caffeine-induced fog. I don't think I can do that again!

Men are from Mars?

Sometimes I'm not quite sure what to make of the differences between between my husband and me. I try not to generalize, i.e. "oh, he's a man, that's just a 'man thing'", but maybe there are times when that is appropriate? For example: we often have discussions where I am trying to advise him or warn him about something but he doesn't take me seriously. He's not doing it out of disrespect; he just disagrees. And that's fine! And even though I know I'm right, I drop the issue (usually). Then, sometime later, he discovers that I was right all along and I'm biting my tongue trying not to say "I told you so". That seems to happen often, or maybe that's just my perception. (I'm REALLY trying to be open-minded here!) My husband happens to be an extremely bright guy who is extremely good to me. As a friend of mine would say, "he ain't stupid!".

I'm not complaining... Don and I are fortunate since we're so compatible and rarely ever fight!! I bring this subject up because I've just been wondering lately if these "disagreements" (for lack of a better word) are due to gender differences or just our personalities. I know my mom has talked about this regarding my stepdad, and a few weeks ago at church, a friend was talking about how he and his wife experience this as well (admitting that his wife tended to be "right" more often than he is). I'm not interested in "winning"... I'm fine with being wrong if it's best for both of us. I guess I'm still wading through the newlywed game of understanding each other through our differences. I find it much easier to connect with people if I can understand the reasons for why they act the way they do, therefore I have always placed a great deal of effort into "figuring people out". My career literally depended on that skill, as my ability to support myself as a social worker relied on my success.

I am enjoying being married for so many reasons, the least of which is for all of these new questions swirling in my head.

Actively waiting

Not much exciting happening here. *yawn* Christmas shopping's almost done, hope to finish it tomorrow. Am busy either at church, volunteering, or working. Somehow went from having nothing to do to having too much!

My mom and stepdad were passing through town over the weekend on their way to Atlanta. I think they decided for Bob to rent an apartment for a little while by himself in Atlanta and then retire in WV sometime in the middle of next year. I didn't realize what was happening with my stepdad... I knew Bob was stressed about his job but I wasn't aware of what else was happening in his heart. He is terrified of retiring! He has no idea what he will do with himself when he doesn't have to go to work... he's spent 35 years with CSX and has supported himself since he was 15. He doesn't have any hobbies aside from playing sports which he really can't do anymore. He actually cried a bit during lunch on Sunday. I think it's all the stress from the life changes that's getting to him. Even though this next year will probably be one of his most difficult ever, I hope that this time in his life will blossom into something beautiful. God has a way of doing that when we have faith in Him.

I got a promotion at my job... I'm going to be a "lead" which is short of a manager but allows me to open and close the store and do other random stuff. I was surprised that I was tapped for that since I've only been there about 2 weeks but I am always grateful for a learning opportunity. I have no idea where all of this is going to go or how long I'm going to stay at the store, but I'm still having a blast so I might as well take advantage of that for a little while!

I've decided to approach this time as "active waiting"... doing my best at the tasks set before me, learning and growing as much as I can, and practicing PATIENCE until I feel that God's leading me elsewhere. He has me at the store for a reason... reasons which I don't understand... but someday I know I'll be able to look back and see how the pieces of the puzzle fit together perfectly. I feel at peace with being there right now, and have been encouraged in my work there, so I know I'm doing the right thing...

"When I said, "my foot is slipping,"
your love, O Lord, supported me.
When anxiety was great within me,
your consolation brought joy to my soul."
- Psalm 94:18-19

Popcorn notes

Sure am glad to have 2 days off in a row. I spent most of the day at Mission of Hope, working the phones. I always enjoy myself there... I never really know what's going to be happening each day. Today I talked to one of the local news anchors three times... the guy was panicking because one of our guys was supposed to be on his show in 30 minutes and hadn't gotten to the studio yet. It worked out ok... I turned on the TV and saw that he made it. It was sorta funny as it was all unfolding, though. I really love how the ministry just keeps growing. We expect to help about 14,000 kids this year. Sweet!

Don and I don't have big plans for Thanksgiving. We both have to work on Friday so we can't leave town to celebrate with our families, and since we don't have anyone here to get together with, we figured we'd hang out in our pajamas, eat frozen lasagna, and decorate the house for Christmas. Last year I didn't have the motivation to dig out all of my Christmas stuff, and all we had up was a Christmas tree with straggly lights and nothing else. I promised Don that we'd do better this year, so we'll see how it goes.

Am I the only grown woman in the country who still loves Kool-Aid? Most days, I'd rather have that than anything else. I am such a dork!!

Don got the book "A Treasure's Trove" some time ago, and neither one of us got anywhere with deciphering the clues to find the tokens leading to the jewels. I checked the status of the tokens tonight on the website and saw that they'd all been found. 2 of them were only 2-3 hours from here. Arrrrghhhh.... I should've tried harder!

Sometimes I still can't believe that I put up with the nursing home as long as I did. How did I manage that for so long? Life is actually fun again, and I can't believe I ever let myself buy into the belief that the money I was making was so much more important than our happiness. I saw a segment on a news show today about a couple who gave up their careers to work as houseparents at a ranch for troubled kids. The husband and wife both said that even though they sacrificed their financial dreams, they were overwhelmingly happy and excited about the path their lives are taking, and they wouldn't have it any other way. I could easily see me and Don doing something like that. Maybe we should. ??? I don't know. We're young! The doors have been thrown wide open for us... now it's just a matter of me trusting God to lead us through.

She knew Jimi Hendrix

I met an interesting woman in the bookstore the other day. She actually carries around copies of her story to share with people, and I thought I'd pass it on here.


Sandi Fatow's Story...

Little did I ever imagine that October 1, 1970 would alter the course of history for my life.

My life up till that point had been a ship tossed on the sea of life. It started young with drinking. Then I was introduced to marijuana, which was the first of many drugs -- LSD, peyote, cocaine, amphetamines, downers, and finally, heroin addiction. The drug life introduced me to a whole new world.

While living in Miami, I became involved with the criminal element. It spiraled to one of my boyfriends being on the FBI "10 Most Wanted" list and receiving 99 years and life; another of my boyfriends died a few years ago in the Florida State Prison electric chair, and a third boyfriend is presently doing 45 years in Atlanta Federal Prison.

Running constantly from New Jersey to Miami also got me involved with many rock musicians. My girlfriend, Denise, became Jimi Hendrix's girlfriend, and I started seeing Hendrix's bass player, Noel Redding. Denise and I are pictured on Hendrix's "Electric Ladyland" album. His death was so shocking to me. He seemed to have everything, yet ended with nothing.

My family had no idea I was a drug user. My dad financed a beautiful boutique for me in New Jersey, and with a business, I felt I could quit heroin but Harlem was too close, and dope was too cheap. It wasn't long before I was beat for my money, morals, and mind.

One day I went to the murder trial of a 17 year old I knew. Going into the Miami Dade County courthouse, a friend called from the jail to me. He told me to go to a Christian rehab center called Surfside Challenge and get the preacher to come and help him. I went and not only received help for him, but for myself also. I was told that Jesus Christ could change my life.

Perhaps at this point you are ready to toss this testimony away and say, "Aw, just a junkie who got converted!" But you are so wrong. Heroin addiction was the effect, not the cause. Sin was the cause.

After meeting Christians who were full of real joy and peace, I decided to kick drugs "cold turkey". After 18 hours I was terribly sick with withdrawals. There was a prayer meeting going that night and as the believers laid their hands on me I was completely healed. This was a 20th century miracle. That night I gave my life to Jesus and was born again. Getting right with God was so simple, yet I had never heard the plan of salvation. I had a personal encounter with Jesus Christ which has kept me until this very hour. He loves you too, friend, and wants to come into your heart today! Please pray this prayer:

"Jesus, I need you. Come into my heart. Forgive me for everything. Thank you for dying for me that I might have eternal life."

God bless you right now.

This is a true story. I am presently residing with my born-again Jewish husband and two children. I am enjoying the happiest time of my life.
You too may experience this joy.
2 Corinthians 5:17 "Therefore if any man is in Christ, he is a new creature; the old things passed away; behold all things new."



Sandi told me that she now works in prisons, ministering to the inmates. She is still beautiful, even in her late 50's, and has a charming personality that surely makes it easy for her to form friendships with people who need her most. She attends Trinity Chapel in Knoxville.

People who surprise me

I haven't posted in over a week, which is unusual for me. I think that for awhile, I was spending way too much time online... I'd get bored and come in here and turn the computer on. Now it seems like I don't have enough time for all of the things I want to get done! What was it about the grass being greener...?

There were a few job possibilities that I was excited about, but neither of them worked out. That's fine. I really don't take it personally... I know that when I was hiring people, I didn't interview a lot of perfectly capable applicants because there happened to be only a few who were exactly what I was looking for. So anyway, I actually made a decision (woo-hoo!) and called the Christian bookstore near my home and had a job with them the next day. I committed to work with them through the holidays, and maybe move on afterwards. They're only open from 10 to 6, and closed on Sundays, so the hours aren't bad at all. I started last Friday and am actually loving it! I wouldn't have guessed that I'd enjoy working so much, especially a job like that, but it's a lot of fun and I really don't even feel like I'm working. The bad part is that I'm getting paid next to nothing, but it's better than what I WAS bringing in, which was $0! It's a great fit for me right now... a low-stress job to give me something to do while I consider my other options.

One thing that surprises me about where I work is the quality of my coworkers. Nearly everyone has a college degree or is working on it, and most everyone is in their late 20's or 30's. And they're all Christians who are there because they enjoy serving others. They are just a delightful group of people to be around!

Anyway... what else... I guess that's the biggest news. Don actually fixed our furnace, so now we have heat! We've been surviving with space heaters so far. My parents can't make up their minds now about whether they're really moving to Atlanta or not. My mom and I talked for awhile on the phone today... she was totally cracking me up! When I went home for my long visit, I took our DVD of Napoleon Dynamite for my brother to watch. He didn't like it, but my mom actually did. I accidentally forgot the DVD at their house, and when I talked to my mom today, she told me she's watched it 3 times already and was quoting me all kinds of lines from the movie. I mean, I know my mom's crazy, but THIS surprised me!

We went to the UT game on Saturday and watched the Vols make idiots of themselves (again!) on the field, even though they strangled a win out of it. The worst part about the game was watching this guy change his little girl's diaper with the kid squirming on his lap, then proceeding to place the dirty, leaking diaper under the bench of the guy in front of him and leaving it there. Don and I were both dumbfounded as we were unfortunate enough to be observing (and smelling) this from the row directly behind this goober. Come ON, people!! I mean, I know there are gonna be times when you're in a bind with your kids, but there was NO excuse for this! The kid was probably 3 years old, and both parents were there so one of them easily could've assisted the other one. I wanted to say something to him, but I wasn't sure what! I finally figured it out as I was leaving the stadium. All I needed to do was tap him on the shoulder and casually point to the diaper and tell him, "hey, you forgot your diaper". Just like I would tell someone if they left their purse or jacket, like I was assuming that they innocently forgot it. They still probably wouldn't have gotten the hint, but at least I would've tried. These were the same kind of people who would invite you over for dinner and allow their cat to walk on the table and eat off your plate. Nasty!

Strawberry wine

Today I decided to treat myself to a day in the mountains! Why not? Being so close to some of the prettiest countryside anywhere, it would be a shame to miss it in all of its fall splendor. So off I went, weather's sunny and 75 degrees, windows down, sunroof up, music up loud, with 20 bucks in my pocket and a tank full of gas. I took lots of pictures, hiked a bit, had lunch in a restaurant overlooking the New River Gorge where hawks were flying waaaaaaaay up overhead. Many of those places that I passed by were places that I'd been with old friends or old boyfriends or my family when I was younger. A perfect day for a drive down memory lane...

Isn't it strange how a person can be so close to you for a time and then they fade out of your life so easily? It made me a little sad as I was thinking about it. For example, I drove by WVU Tech today, the alma mater of two of my former flames. One of them was the first person I was ever significantly crazy about (which was never mutual), and the other guy was the first person who was ever truly in love with me (also never mutual). For a long time, I was very close to both of them, and both relationships ended abruptly. I thought about them today and I actually miss both of those people. Not because I wonder what might've been... I am very happy in my marriage and have no desire to contact either of those guys. It's more that I still care about them as solid, interesting people who added a lot to my life. But life goes on, we all move on, time passes, and that's the end of that. I just wish there was a better way, some magical world where I could actually continue to have meaningful friendships with all of those people who've taken up residence in my heart for a time. A land of endless visits... of lively discussions around campfires, Krispy Kreme runs, Blockbuster nights on the couch, hikes with my girlfriends. A world filled with people who I still deeply care about but never see anymore: my German exchange student, my best friend from high school, my cousins, some former coworkers, my circle of friends in college, and yes, even some old boyfriends. But even if I tracked them down and made the time for them, would they reciprocate? I don't think I really want to know the truth. People are too busy working and having babies and stuff.

Oh well. That's just the way it goes, I guess.

wandering in the desert

I have been officially unemployed for 2 months now, taking my voluntary sabbatical from life to reassess my goals and figure out what I'm really supposed to be doing with my workweek that will leave me fulfilled both personally and in my bank account. The sorry thing is that I've had all this time to "reflect", and I don't think I'm one step closer today to the answer than when I started. Frustrating!

Should I go get my master's? Should I go to school for 3 more years to earn a useful degree where I'll make great money in a good career but I'm not bubbling over with excitement about the job? Should I do a 2 year program in a field I'll love but I'll have horrible hours and would need to move? Should I just do a certificate program and hope for the best? Or maybe I should forget the whole idea of school and just find something, ANYTHING full-time? What about getting a part-time secretary or retail job just to have something to do until I can "find myself"? What if that day never comes? Aaaaaaahhhhhhhhhh!!!!!!

Still up here in WV, think I'll stay through the end of the week. I'm really lucky to have a great husband who supports me in my crazy whims. I don't know how many women have marriages where it's OK to fly off to Texas alone, rent a car, and hop around Dallas and Waco just to visit old friends. He even supported me with my disaster relief training to go to New Orleans alone, even though the Red Cross ended up not needing me to go. I can't imagine being married and not be "allowed" to do things anymore, but for a lot of people I know, that's just the way life is. My husband knows that I did far crazier things when I was single and I lived to tell about it, so he might as well trust me. Maybe we're the strange ones. ?? I'm not sure what I was really expecting married life to be like, but we definitely don't tie each other down. The best part is that we love each other even more after we've been apart for awhile! I'm so thankful for him.

Busy day tomorrow. I'm earning a reputation for being a slavedriver around this house. My mom is actually getting stuff done because I'm standing over her and forcing her to make decisions. I'm such a bad, bad girl.

Judgmental Christians

It seems this issue has come into my mind several times over the past three days now so I might as well explore it here. Tonight I was watching the Amazing Race and was once again disgusted with one of the teams. The Weaver family from Florida is thoroughly hated by everyone else competing on the show because they are loud, obnoxious, and just flat-out annoying. But what REALLY bothers me is how their actions and words are so incongruent. When the season first started, I was impressed that a family would actually pray on camera and was happy to see that the producers would actually select a Christian team. However, as the season has progressed and tonight especially, I think my opinion of them has hit bottom. These Weaver people are in the car praying "dear God, please help us beat the other teams if that's your will", "dear God, please show us where to go", and then they are making fun of other teams' pictures, wondering how much some women's boobs cost, calling others retards, and generally being completely nasty. This family personifies the very reason why Christians are horribly stereotyped as being holier-than-thou and subsequently hated for it. I mean, nobody's perfect, and most Christians will never profess to be. These people on this show may be my "brothers and sisters", but they have a lot to learn about kindness and humility. They're flagrantly making fools of themselves in Jesus' name, which I find not only embarassing, but very sad on their behalf. I wonder if they'll ever understand how many people they've alienated from Christ because of their nastiness broadcast on national TV.

Another branch on this thought began from our church service on Sunday morning. My pastor was talking about judging others and using Matthew 7:1-7 as the basis for his sermon. He took his message a different direction than I was expecting him to go with it, but I loved it. He was talking about verses 6 and 7, about not throwing your pearls to swine or giving dogs what is sacred. He compared it to putting the Bible out for public ridicule and using it as an example when other people couldn't possibly understand what is really meant by its words. For example: why throw Bible verses into debates with non-Christians about certain issues, such as abortion? Someone who isn't a Christian isn't going to give a crap what the Bible says about it; they're just going to ridicule both the Bible and that person. I can't blame them for that. I probably would too if I didn't already have the faith that I have now.

There is no way any Christian can expect an unbeliever to understand the standards by which we live! Likewise, we can't expect an unbeliever to live by them, either. This is why I'm adamantly opposed to posting the Ten Commandments in courthouses and such. If someone doesn't know Jesus personally, then all of this Bible-verse-quoting about how they should live their lives is only going to push them away. It takes having faith in and a relationship with God before a person would have any desire to believe in what the Bible says. This is something I didn't always understand! In my younger years, before college, I am ashamed to say that I used to be one of those closed-minded Christians who couldn't comprehend how some people could keep screwing up and not care if I was waving a Bible in their face and telling them that they needed to make changes. I was alienating people and I didn't even realize it... I thought I was doing the "loving" thing. I would like to think that I've come a long way since then. Not because I'm trying to be all sensitive and "politically correct", but because God has graciously given me some wisdom through the years... I now see that people's troubles are symptoms of a hurting heart, the same as me. My role is not to preach but to just be gentle and show love. It's a shame that human nature takes something so simple and turns it into a complicated mess!

Halloween, West Virginia style

I'm at my parents' in West Virginia right now; drove here late last night on a spur-of-the-moment trip. They're moving to Atlanta after Christmas and this house is full of random stuff and really needs some work! Unfortunately, my stepdad's pulling 16-hour days at work, his health isn't the best, and my mom threw her back out, so it's kind of a tough time for them right now. Since I'm not employed at the moment, I might as well be a good daughter and try to get some work done around the house.

But today was not the day for work! This afternoon I went to my aunt Julie's and took my little cousin Sierra trick-or-treating. I think I had more fun than she did! She's two, she dressed up like a duck, and she was a real trooper for all the walking we did! I got to play mommy and lead her around the same streets I trick-or-treated on as a little girl. I wonder how much time it'll take for it to get all over town that I had a baby? Especially when I didn't? Ha ha...

It's always so strange to come back here to my parents' house. For one thing, I won't have a home to come back to before long, and that hasn't really sunk in for me yet. That'll be hard. But it's more than just the house that's strange for me... it's just being in this little West Virginia town again. I have NEVER fit in here! I remember thinking about that when I was as young as 12 years old. I knew then that if I ever wanted a different life, that I would have to bust my butt in school to be the best in everything to get scholarships so I could go away to school and leave this place behind. That was my plan, and it worked like a charm. I moved to Tennessee when I was barely 17, and except for a few summers between classes, I haven't looked back. This place is stifling! Everybody knows not only who everybody else is, but all of their personal business as well. It's the kind of town where the cheerleaders hang out together until they die, and your social status for your entire life is determined by what you were like in high school. I can look in my parents' high school yearbooks and recognize everybody from the class of 1972 because they were all of my friends' parents! This whole area is so isolated and run-down and at least 10 years behind the rest of the country. Can you tell that I have always hated it? I can't think of anything more miserable than having to live here day after provencial day.

Tonight, however, was nice. I was surprised. People all over town were sitting on their front porches with huge baskets of candy, fawning over the kids and being neighborly. There were families crowded throughout the streets, trick-or-treating and visiting and generally just having a good time. I saw all kinds of people who remembered me when I was Sierra's age and people I went to school with who now have kids of their own. I bumped into my cousin and his wife and kids out on the street. Saw all of my mom's siblings and my grandma at different times throughout the evening. It's comforting, yet confusing. I can't stand this place, yet tonight I was kind of proud of it. All of my family is here, my innocent years were spent here, and like it or not, I will forever be linked to this town. Maybe I shouldn't be so hard on it. I've done so much to distance myself from WV, but why? How can I hate a place so much when all of my own blood family loves it here?

I could sit here and write all night! My mom's up, though... I should probably spend some time with her.

Jet lag

Okay, so we got back 4 days ago and my body clock is still totally messed up. Already been to bed and tried to sleep... I have been TOTALLY useless this week!

I've been working on my *LONG* TripAdvisor reports and thought I'd go ahead and post them here. These were written and posted on forums for fellow travelers to Oahu and the Big Island (hence all the prices), but they also tell what we did, albeit in a little more detail than most others would really care about. So here they are, in all their glory:

OAHU TRIP REPORT:

So it helps you to know our perspective... I'm 26, my husband's 30, no kids, more interested in great experiences than living in luxury! We're not into shopping or blowing tons of money on expensive activities. And we had a blast!

Friday 10/14... My husband Don and I arrived by Delta flight in Honolulu at around 7 pm. During the flight, we did get a hot meal, a sandwich and chips toward the end, pillows, and blankets (for those of you who are wondering). No seatback TV's on this plane... we'll fly Continental next time! My ticket was free (Delta skymiles, booked in January), Don's was $600 from Knoxville, TN.Took the Waikiki airport shuttle bus to the Queen Kapiolani, $14 for round trip ticket.No problems whatsoever with our room at the Queen. I posted a review on the room, dated 10/24 and titled "we loved it, but some people won't"... so check it out if you want more details on that.

Saturday 10/15. Beach day, since we're not officially on vacation until we've spent a full day lounging by the water! Don took surfing lessons ($35) from the guys located right by the Waikiki police station. He was successful at surfing and thought the lesson was worth the $35. Had lunch at Joe's hamburgers in the food court of the International Marketplace... spent $10 for a large coke, giant order of fries, and 1 burger. We split it, and it was enough for us... very good Hawaiian burger, I might add. Before dinner we walked around a bit... wandered into King's Village on Kaiulani... randomly found the Art in Motion gallery. Spent awhile talking with the owner, who's also the artist, Wayne Gabaylo. He's the guy who paints with spray paint and has a show several nights a week outside at King's Village. This guy was one of the friendliest, sweetest, happiest people I've ever met! Go say hi!! Don and I actually stopped by his show the next day and he came over to us like old friends, remembered our names and everything. Anyway, had Duke's at the Outrigger for dinner...was about $50 for 2 entrees, 1 cocktail, and a beer. Got there right when they opened for dinner (around 5?), had about a 5-minute wait.

Sunday 10/16. Went back to Duke's for breakfast because Mom keeps telling me I have to try it one of these days. Why did I wait so long? That was by far the best breakfast I've ever had in my entire life!! $12.95 for adults, and it's a buffet, but it's out of this world! On my plate: scrambled eggs w/melted cheese, sausage, guava bread, fresh pineapple, grapes, rice, french toast with coconut syrup, and passionfruit orange guava juice (juice included in buffet price). My husband had entirely different things on his plate, and he was very happy with his meal as well. Just go, you really won't want to miss it! After this, we caught the bus ($2 pp, one-way) to Kawaiahao Church, located downtown near Iolani Palace. This was one of the most special experiences of the trip for me... if you are a Christian used to attending church then this is a must-do. The service began at 9 am, and is conducted both in Hawaiian and English. Music is glorious, message was even better, and there's nothing like singing songs you know and hearing them in Hawaiian, too. The regulars there were extremely welcoming! We stopped in the church bookstore after the service and picked up some church cookbooks for souvenirs, $2 each. Mmmmmm... Hawaiian church ladies' favorite recipes... this little cookbook is my most treasured memento of our vacation!

Took the bus back to the Queen Kap, then called a cab to take us to Diamond Head for the hike. Cab was $10 one-way, then $1 each into the park. The stairs at the end are rough but doable. Great views and definitely worth the time. After a dip in the ocean, we didn't have much time for dinner, so we stopped back by the International Marketplace at the Mexican place in the food court, paid $16 for 2 dinners. Good portions, decent food, but SLOW service!

Finally, we had tickets for Creations: A Polynesian Journey, showing at the Sheraton Princess Kaiulani. We had tickets for the cocktail show, $33 each. This is a good show to attend if you really want to see good hula dancing but you don't want to shell out $60-90 dollars each and commit half a day to a luau. We enjoyed this show but for us it was the kind of thing you see once and that's enough. You have a cocktail included in the price, and they had a decent selection with standard sizes. You can also see this show and have dinner beforehand, but we didn't really want to pay $15 - $60 more (per person) for a buffet only to be squashed in a large conference-type room for 3 hours, at long tables shoulder-to-shoulder with strangers, many of whom didn't speak English. We were happy to get there 20 minutes early, have our cocktails, and watch the show. I got pulled onstage by a hunky Hawaiian dancer... he was trying to teach me to hula. Were any of you there to witness that? I hope not... I'm sure I disgraced the natives!

Monday 10/17. Walked down the street (Kapahulu Ave) from our hotel, a 20 minute walk to Leonard's Bakery. Apparently this place is a local legend... is very busy, and for good reason! Had malasadas and other assorted pastries... yum.

On the walk back, we stopped at Snorkel Bob's on Kapahulu to get equipment for a day at Hanauma Bay. It was about $25 for both of us... I got the prescription lens set, and neither one of us got the cheapest stuff. You could go cheaper if you wanted to, but we didn't. Walked back to the Queen Kap to catch the 9:30 bus to Hanauma Bay... and we were standing there... and it just rolled on by, the driver giving us the "hang loose" sign. They were completely full since the bus only runs hourly to Hanauma Bay, and our hotel's the last stop in Waikiki. I was mildly concerned about that happening. Oh well, no problem... we trotted inside and whined to the bellman, who chuckled, then called us a cab that was more like a limo, for a $30 ride to the Bay. $5 each to get in. Eat before you go, take food/drinks with you, or get something at the stands at the top of the hill, because there is NOTHING at the beach area! Even the water fountain wasn't working! We brought snacks and drinks with us, but if we hadn't, we would not have been too happy. Took the bus back to our hotel.For dinner, we enjoyed the Cheesecake Factory, for our first-ever visit. Got there around 6:30 and had an hour wait. We both were in a Thai mood for some reason... I had a Thai linguini dish, and Don got a Thai steak salad. His bowl of food was about the size of our sleeping cat. It was huge! For 2 huge dinners, 2 waters, and a slice of cheesecake, our meal was $37 (not including tip).

Tuesday 10/18. Up early to catch the 6:15 bus to Pearl Harbor. Got there at 7:30, already a huge line but it moved quickly. We were at the front of the line by 7:50 am, and beginning our tour by 8:45 am. Worked out perfectly because we had just enough time to explore the grounds and check out the museum. We had lunch in the mess hall area by the Bowfin, ate at Aloha Pizza (giant slice of pizza with drink for $6 each). Checked out the Bowfin, $10 each. We were done in time to catch the bus at 11:50 am to go to Iolani Palace for our 12:45 tour. I loved the Palace... if you have any interest with Hawaiian history, then you won't regret going. It was sad but beautiful. Must make reservations for the grand tour, $20 each which we thought was fair. From there, we walked to Chinatown. It was around 3 pm when we got there, which is when the shopkeepers are beginning to clean up the day's market mess, but it was still fun. Bought an orchid lei for $3, stopped by a Chinese pastry shop for lots of little delicacies for under $10. Took the bus back the hotel.

Wednesday 10/19. Off to the Big Island!

Random notes:

- Prices were a bit more expensive than what I'm used to paying in Tennessee, but we never really felt gouged. That was nice.

- Pack a small carry-on suitcase full of snacks, pop-tarts, candy, etc. Bring a cheap pitcher and some Kool-Aid or other drink mix, and pack a few water bottles to drink then re-use. If you bring these plus a small fabric cooler with ice packs, you can pack drinks and snacks for the beach, or have breakfast on the run, and save MUCHO moolah! Plus, it's just convenient. When you're hungry or thirsty, you don't have to keep stopping or leaving the room to buy stuff... you already have it. After you eat all of the food, you have an empty suitcase to fill with souvenirs!

- Zip-loc bags are highly overrated. They don't hold sand very well. They also don't hold more important things, like a driver's license, a credit card, a room key, or $40, should you put those things in a Zip-loc bag. Even a Zip-loc bag in a Velcro pocket in a man's swimming trunks. Really.

- Should one's ID and other assorted personal effects decide to go swimming in the Pacific, the guys at the Waikiki police station are really nice and helpful.

- Should a person fret about not being able to get onto a plane with no ID, have no fear. Just take your copy of the report from the nice aforementioned police officers, show it to the ticket agents and TSA, and you can still get home.

- If you want to ride the bus to Hanauma Bay, catch it on the WEST side of Waikiki!

- Go on Budget Travel magazine's website, and print out one of their Honolulu snap guides. It's brand new, and has lots of useful address, phone numbers, and other info!

- I realized as I was on the bus to Pearl Harbor that I'd forgotten to schedule my airport shuttle pickup to leave for the airport for the next morning. Didn't have the phone number, didn't have my phone either... oops. When we got to Pearl Harbor, I saw some empty Roberts Hawaii buses and a bus driver hanging out, waiting for his people to get back. I went up to him, gave him my best smile, and asked him for the Roberts main phone number so I could call from somewhere and schedule my pickup. He whipped out his cell phone, called a buddy at the Roberts office, and set it up for me, right there in the parking lot! The van arrived at our hotel promptly at 5 am the next morning, with a smiling driver who presented me with an orchid. Now THAT'S service!

Hope this was useful... I took notes as I went along. Check out my other report on the Big Island... hope to have it posted by tomorrow! Thank you all SO MUCH for your help in making this trip the best ever, and let me know if I can help you!


BIG ISLAND TRIP REPORT:

Wednesday 10/19 - arrived in Hilo via Aloha Airlines at 8:30 am ($158 each, round-trip). Rented a full-size car (a Sebring) through Expedia at Dollar Rent-a-Car for $32.99/day. I have seen prices all over the board for cars, but I think we did OK. Stopped by the Hilo Farmer's Market to gawk at the fruits and crafts and stuff. Mmmmm... fresh pineapple for $2.50! I was expecting a bigger market for some reason, but it was mighty fun anyway and worth a stop to meet some locals and pick up some of the freshest fruit out there. After this we headed for Volcanoes Nat'l Park and did not stop again until we got there. $10/vehicle for a week's pass, and make sure you don't lose the receipt if you plan on going back into the park!! Did the Crater Rim drive and pulled off at the usual suspects (visitors' center, steam vents, fault, etc.). After lunch we hiked the devastation trail, Thurston Lava Tube, and marveled at all of the people in tour buses and vans who rarely got to get out and actually see anything up close.

For lunch, we ventured into Volcano Village and stopped at the Lava Rock Cafe. We DO NOT RECOMMEND this place as it was our worst dining experience in all of Hawaii. Here are a few examples why: we never had the same person come to our table twice, I got to sit and watch my husband eat for nearly 10 minutes before my meal came out, no one ever came back to our table to see if we needed anything after I finally got my meal (with no apology, BTW), never got refills, never offered dessert, had to get up and find our own napkins, had to get up and chase down our bill, and the food wasn't all that great (2 very bland plate lunches for $18). The service was literally nonexistent. I can make allowances for a server who's new or if the place is packed, but it was 2:30 pm on a Wednesday, there were about 10 customers in the restaurant, and 5 employees piddling around near the bar and register. It apparently is the standard "work ethic" at that restaurant, and as long as there are tourists they'll still have business so why work hard? But don't waste your time too...the Lava Rock Cafe really was THAT bad. I just wish someone had told us!

After our day at the Park, we drove about 45 minutes south to Waiohinu for our first of 2 nights at the South Point Banyan Tree House. Since I couldn't find an area to review this elsewhere on TripAdvisor, I'll discuss it here. It is built up into a banyan tree, sorta like a airy tropical studio apartment with one big room featuring a bed, sofa with TV/satellite/VCR, a fully equipped kitchen, large bathroom, balcony with an outside table for 2, and a private hot tub. The roof is partially translucent so you can see up into the tree while you're laying in bed. This place is just right for couples, and the owner, Greg (super nice, by the way) is a great help if you have any questions about things to do. He thought of everything to make it homey! There was a bottle of wine waiting for us, fresh fruit on the counter, juice, beer, and watermelon in the fridge, a stash of toiletries in the bathroom in case we forgot something, a closet full of movies and CD's, Hawaii books and magazines to read, and beach towels, floats, etc. Plus a cabinet full of condiments, which was useful. We loved to come home to the hot tub at night, and to wake up to birds chirping in the morning. We only paid $150/night, but since we made our reservation, it's gone up to $165. Still, it's a pretty good deal. The only negative we saw about this property was that it was right next to Hwy 11, so if you're an extremely light sleeper then you might not be too happy about that (but then again, there are earplugs next to the bed for that purpose).

Thursday 10/20 - Back to Volcanoes Park for more exploring. Spent quite a bit of time meandering along the Kilauea Iki Trail. This is a 4-mile loop that takes you down and across a volcanic crater, and we really enjoyed this hike! The park's hiking guide said this was a moderate to challenging hike. I thought the only moderately difficult part was climbing back up out of the crater, but then again, I hike all the time in the Smokies so I might not be the best judge of this! We took our time in the crater. One fun thing we did was pack MRE's and cook them in one of the steam vents. I enjoyed hot spaghetti and the hubby got an enchilada, and we both got some weird looks from passers-by, but hey, we were having fun!! It was a great hike... so otherworldly down there. After this we drove down Chain of Craters Rd to see about the lava flow. All we could see was steam plumes since the lava was flowing in underground tubes, but the drive down to the sea was beautiful! On our way back to the treehouse, we stopped by the Punaluu black sand beach. Was a small beach, nothing amazing, but we did see a sea turtle.

Friday 10/21 - North on Highway 11, stopped by Place of Refuge park ($5/vehicle). Seeing this only took about an hour, but it was interesting and a worthy stop. It is sacred to the native Hawaiians and I could understand why after learning some of the history. Headed on to Kona to pick up gear at Snorkel Bob's (about $25 for 2 snorkel sets, including one that had prescription lenses), then had lunch next door at Huggo's ($25 for 2 meals). It was good, but not spectacular... nice waterfront dining, though. Get there at 11:30 am when they open to get a good table! We then spent the afternoon at Kahaluu Beach Park. The beach itself wasn't that beautiful or impressive, but underwater... WOW!! It knocks Hanauma Bay off the map! We swam in the midst of large schools of fish, with so many different varieties, with sea turtles swimming by very close, beautiful bright coral. Another great thing was that the water was calm and shallow. Plus, there are bathrooms and concessions available for those with large stomachs or small bladders.

On this night, we drove back down south to Captain Cook to stay at the Manago Hotel. We decided not to stay in Kona since I couldn't find anything that really interested me enough for the price, but that was fine since Captain Cook really wasn't that far, and was a pleasant drive. I have already posted a review about the Manago, but I'll briefly say here that it was a lot of fun and our favorite place that we stayed on our entire trip just because it was so different! If you're adventurous and want to experience old Hawaii, and you don't mind a no frills environment, then this is the hotel for you. Get one of the Japanese rooms! ($70/night)

We enjoyed both dinner and breakfast the next morning at the Manago. (The restaurant closes at 7:30 pm and reopens at 7 am for breakfast, keep that in mind.) We had heard that the restaurant was a local favorite and we now know why. I think we were the only tourists in there... we watched a Hawaiian guy working the room, he knew someone at every table except ours! The food was home cookin', Hawaiian style, very tasty, and cheap! $8.75 for giant pork chops and several side dishes, served family style. $5 for breakfast including eggs, breakfast meat, rice or toast, papaya or juice, and coffee. Great food and great prices!

Saturday 10/22 - After that terrific breakfast, we settled in for a long drive up the coast, stopping once at Hapuna Beach just to check it out. It is indeed pretty, but we weren't in the mood to swim... off to Pololu Valley! Pololu was definitely out of the way, but it was, for my husband, the highlight of our entire trip! I don't think we've ever seen so much beauty anywhere! You can stop at the lookout and take pictures, or you can also hike down a switchback trail to the ocean (a 15-20 minute walk if you're in shape). We hiked down and just gawked. If you go, check out the hills parallel to the beach... there's a rope swing up there! And don't plan on swimming... the surf is crazy! I got in up to my ankles and was nervous. After we wistfully left Pololu, we stopped in Hawi on the way back out and grabbed hot dogs and shave ices at Lolo's, a stand on the corner of Hwys 270 and 250. Spent $12 for 2 hot dogs and 2 shave ices, but everything was excellent! We're glad we took Hwy 250 to Waimea, what a gorgeous drive!! Waaaaaay up in the mountains, with more beautiful views. When we got to Waimea, we intended to stop at Cook's Discoveries and and Waimea General Store, but we drove thru town twice and couldn't find either one. Oh well.
We then stopped at Waipio Valley, and while it was pretty, but we thought it had nothing on Pololu. Just our humble opinion, though. If you're hungry in Waipio, Honokoaa has a few places to eat. We got a pizza at Cafe Il Mondo on the main drag, and it was really good. But please note this: order your pizza TO GO!! If you eat inside the restaurant, they will only sell you a small for $13/each. But if you order it to go, you can order mediums and larges. We got our medium for $16, which was just right for the two of us. Isn't it goofy that you have to do that? Guess they need to make their money somehow! On this night, we stayed in Hilo at the Inn at Kulaniapia Falls ($109/night). We had an odd experience there. Most people would probably really enjoy it, but we can't really give a favorable nor negative opinion on it. I posted a long review about the Inn which should be up anytime now, so check it out if you want the details.

Sunday 10/23 - Our last day on the Big Island, and it was pouring! Surprise! We wore our rain jackets but got drenched anyway. Shopped at Hilo Hattie for chocolate macadamia nuts and all those other souvenirs that we didn't want to melt or break if we'd bought them sooner. Saw Akaka Falls, which is hard to view through the rainy fog, but we weren't the only crazy people there traipsing through the downpour! Drove through the 4-mile scenic route near Hilo, and through the Liliuokalani gardens on Banyan Drive. Our last stop was the Kuhio Grille in Hilo, located behind the mall. It appeared to be mainly a local haunt. Lunch was under $20 for both of us, and it was OK. Lots of local specialties on the menu.

Random notes:

- We used the Frommers Hawaii 2005 guidebook extensively, and it served us very well! Even though I did lots of research on the Net, that got to be overwhelming at times, and this book helped me to narrow things down. Every place we stayed on the Big Isle was one we found only through that book. Likewise, most of the places we ate, I found them after the fact in the book, and it turns out I actually agreed with most of the recommendations. It was indispensable, especially for the maps!

- Ladies, if you're going hiking off the sidewalk, spare yourself the misery and change out of your gold jeweled flip-flops with kitten heels! And we actually talked to a 40-something couple pretty far out on the Kilauea Iki trail who had on flipflops, no water, no backpack, with no map, and no idea where they were going. I am curious if they made it out alive, but shame on me, I didn't stick around to find out.

- Rental car agencies always try to rip you off with their "prepay for your return tank of gas" offer. They try to get you to buy an entire full tank of gas at "their" price which they say is lower, so that supposedly saves you from the inconvenience of having to fill it up before you bring the car back. We found much lower prices the same day than what the agency quoted... plus, what are the odds that the car will be completely out of gas when you bring it back? Not only do you pay more, but you're also paying for gas twice. Unless money's no object to you, you will more than likely come out a loser with that "deal".

- We saw a cruise ship anchored out in the middle of the Hilo harbor... apparently they couldn't dock at all because of the rough water during Sunday's storm, according to the employees at Hilo Hattie who were expecting them. Ugh. Tough luck for those cruisers! I guess the moral here is to make sure that whatever shore excursions you book have a workable cancellation policy!

Thank you, thank you, thank you to everyone here who helped me plan our trip!

If I can clarify anything for you, I would be more than happy to.

THE END

From paradise to...

Post-vacation life adjustment is a killer, let me tell you!! Coming off the experience of nine totally amazing days in Hawaii, back to home where it's currently 40 degrees, our furnace isn't working, we're suffering from major jet lag, and we're broke, well... we're a bit wistful at the moment.

I had the time of my life and am SO GLAD that we splurged on ourselves and took this trip. Having spent so much time working in nursing homes, I've learned from other people how important it is to have fun while you're young, because you can't count on being healthy if you wait until you retire. So carpe diem we did! We hiked through volcanic craters, swam with sea turtles, snorkeled through schools of exotic fish, saw the most beautiful sunset ever from Waikiki beach, bathed in a Japanese furo tub, slept in a treehouse, kissed in the jungle during a rainstorm, and worshipped in a Hawaiian church. And that's just the beginning! I'll be working on some reviews that I'll post on TripAdvisor (my favorite website), so I'll copy them to the blog, too.

I have so much to process from this trip. So much that it will probably be annoying, but why not expound on something good, for a change? My best vacations are the ones that challenge me, push me a bit out of my comfort zone, and teach me more about the world. And this one did all three, and I thrive on that! I feel totally refreshed, like new life has been breathed into me, and strong again, like I can tackle anything.

Counting down the minutes!

I'm all packed! We leave for Hawaii tomorrow morning. I can't believe it's finally here! For the last nine months I've been spending a lot of my free time researching cool stuff to do for our trip. Let's hope it all pays off!

I LOVE living in Tennessee! It's mid-October, 80 degrees, and sunny! And we only get a good snow every few years, which is just the way I like it.

Off to paradise!

Blessed

For all the complaining that I did yesterday, God was more than gracious in reminding me today of how much He has given me. Funny how a good night's sleep and good prayer can clear a confused mind. For one thing, I can't BELIEVE I ever expressed any discontent about my home! I have always loved this place... yes, it's small and not luxurious compared to what I saw yesterday, but it's cozy and comfortable and MINE, because God so generously gave. I thought about that today as I opened the windows to let in the light and the breeze, as I marveled at the begonias in the flowerboxes (the flowers that I haven't managed to kill yet), as I baked a pie this afternoon in the kitchen I fell in love with the first time I walked into this house, as I napped in the most comfortable bed I have ever slept in.

I thought about Him again... as I watched my sweet elderly neighbor struggling to make it up the stairs into his house, as I opened the surprise no-real-reason gift that our Aunt Joanie sent to us today, as I observed Don fighting the hiccups while I'm laughing hysterically watching him trying to drink water upside-down, as I discussed my dreams with my mom over the phone, as my cat wrestled with her toy mouse and I'm giggling because she looks so stupid.

He gave this to me. GAVE it. Every gift, every little bit of joy in my life is there because my Father loves me.

I am rich, indeed.

What I don't have

Don and I went on the City People tour through downtown today, which is when people in different buildings open their loft apartments to allow hundreds of total strangers to traipse through and be nosy. It was actually kind of fascinating and gave me a renewed appreciation for downtown Knoxville. These lofts I was seeing reminded me of DC, not Tennessee... I never really considered how cool urban living actually was, even in our town. However, I didn't expect to walk away feeling so... poor. And unsophisticated. There we were in these beautiful, art-filled spaces, with style I could never come close to and money spent that I wouldn't know what to do with. And some of these people were around my age! Where are they getting all of this money?!?

Today was the first time in a LONG time that I have felt more than a twinge of jealousy, along with some insecurity thrown in. I'm disappointed with myself for even feeling that, but at least I'm honest. Today took me to a world that I'm fairly isolated from now that I've left the singles scene, that strange life where I always had friends over at my place, where I was always looking to meet glamorous people like the ones I met today, when I always had to have my hair highlighted and my nails done and trendy clothes in hopes of catching some guy's eye (and looking better than the other girls I was with... let's face it, we dress to outdo each other). What was sad, though, is that I enjoyed that life while I was in it. Does that make me shallow? Today reminded me that I've changed so much, and I'm not sure exactly why. Maybe I've lowered my standards, or maybe I've just grown up. I have a rather plain house. I don't work out as much and I rarely treat myself to new clothes. I quit my job and have stopped worrying about impressing everyone back in my hometown. I stay home more now than I ever thought I would. And my hair and nails? Yeah, like I'm going to blow money on that!

I KNOW in my heart that all of those material things don't, or shouldn't, matter. I KNOW that I have been blessed by God beyond what I deserve. I have found ways of dealing with this temptation before. This may sound crazy, but I consciously forbid myself to read Cosmo magazine and kill time at West Town mall simply because I haven't liked what they did to my spirit. It all made me feel like I don't have enough nice things, and that my job must suck because I don't make enough to buy the things I want. Then I would be discontent and miserable. I know that those feelings are not of God. He tells us not to worry, that He'll always provide, and He does. I guess this is just the first time I've had to deal with this struggle in awhile. And, I'm having to face that my life isn't where I thought it would be five years ago. I'm not sure how to process all of this... if my feelings of restlessness are a positive force meant to inspire me to push myself harder in my career, or if Satan's trying to plant seeds of doubt in my mind about God's goodness. I don't know. All I know to do is to turn it over to my ever-patient God.

Yom what?

It looks like things are rolling right along with Ida. The lawyer's drawing up the papers and should have them done by the beginning of next week. I have to take her to the eye doctor on Monday (LOADS of fun!). Last night at McKay's, I bought "Judaism for Beginners". This Baptist doesn't know much about Jewish culture, but for Ida's sake I'm thinking I better learn what Yom Kippur is since it's coming up on Thursday!

Yesterday, I kept a 2 year old, and on Wednesday I watched a 3 year old and a baby. HOW do people do this?!? These kids wore me out! I mean, maybe it'll be easier when they're actually mine because I won't worry about having to answer to somebody if they break something or get a bruise. But sometimes I worry that I'm too selfish to be a good mom. Don and I aren't in any hurry to have any, obviously.

Don met some people when he was volunteering with the Red Cross, and we may be going mini-golfing with them tonight. They were evacuated from New Orleans and were living in the shelter until it was closed, and now they're living out of an extended-stay hotel in west Knoxville. They've had a pretty rough time from what I hear. I'm really looking forward to meeting them.

Guess I'd better go start packing... only 6 days until we leave!

A desperate housewife

Ugh. My days have fallen into a predictable pattern. Eat cereal and read the paper. 3 laps around the Adair greenway, then to tan. Shower, then clean the house or work on a project. Fix dinner. Make some phone calls. Back to bed.

I need a job!

On a slightly more interesting note, I'm going to see a lawyer on Thursday to draw up power-of-attorney paperwork for one of my former residents. Ida asked me to take over her affairs for her; she has a son who's in a mental institution in Michigan, and the other one's dead. No grandkids, no nieces, nobody. She really breaks my heart. She used to be drop-dead gorgeous, and a successful attorney in Chicago to boot... apparently she and her husband used to be "high society" in their day, and I don't know what happened but somehow they lost everything. Now she's stuck in a nursing home with nothing at all to her name and no one to love her. Ida has an extremely sharp wit for an almost 93-year-old woman... it is obvious that her intellect has not totally abandoned her. Sometimes I'm not sure if that's a blessing or a curse since she is so aware of her losses in life. Her daily life is what most of us would consider to be a nightmare. I guess I shouldn't really be complaining about anything because even in my wandering, I still have more to be thankful for than Ida does at this moment. We'll see how this all plays out.

Misplaced priorities

I never would've thought that a chiropractor could make such a difference, but I am such a believer now! The first time I went was in August after my back injury (I will never get on one of those amusement park slides again!), and I quit going for awhile because my insurance ended, but my neck's been killing me so I went back and just paid cash for it. Today was my first time getting adjusted in over a month, and I'm not hurting at all today, got more energy than I've had in weeks! It was sorta scary the first time I got adjusted, though. He grabbed hold of my neck and threw my head in this impossible angle until the whole thing creaked. Now I wish that Don knew how to do it.

Still not working, but we're leaving for vacation next Friday so I'm not going to worry too much about a job until I get back. I'd just like a little something to do to make a bit of money before I go, but I'm overqualified for what little I've applied for, and no one wants me, of course. I'm pretty sure that I smell more schooling in my future if I want to get anywhere in this career change.

I am SO ready to go to Hawaii; I am practically bouncing off the walls! We still have over a week but it really can't get here soon enough for me. Don's excited, but he's never been so he's not as bad as me since he doesn't know what he's missing. We're spending half our time in Waikiki and the other half traveling around the Big Island. I've been trying to plan our trip so that it won't be a repeat of my last trip 3 years ago, even though I would happily do it all over again. Like biking down Haleakala and parasailing in Kaanapali... those were a blast but I want to do something else now; maybe we'll go back sometime and I'll get to share those experiences with Don. We have so many places we want to go that we'll probably be grandparents before we make it around to Hawaii again!

We had a pretty good weekend. On Friday night, we ended up at Krispy Kreme, so obviously I was very happy about that! Saturday afternoon, we went for another walk and ended up hanging out on Big John and Betty's porch again for about an hour (they are so hilarious!). I guess we didn't really do a whole lot that was too exciting, but that's okay. It's funny how much things change once you get married. (I'm still trying to get used to it... maybe I never will, who knows?) I used to be soooooo busy, always going out, meeting up with friends, going to shows and the newest restaurants and on road trips. Then my friends started getting married, and I met Don and changed jobs and bought my house, all in less than a year, and somewhere along the way I settled down a bit without even realizing it. It's nice, though... I guess it's a good thing I'm happy because I couldn't afford to spend the time or the money doing all of that stuff now! We do get out, but (upcoming vacation excluded!) what we do isn't as lavish as what I was doing a few years ago. Dinner and play tickets don't seem so expensive when you're only paying for one person, but it sure takes a nasty bite out of the budget now. C'est la vie!

Cleansing love

Sometimes I'm so giddily happy that I can barely stand myself, and yesterday was one of those days. It was a day that was ordinary but that was what made it so nice! I ran a few errands then spent the rest of the day cooking until Don came home. We have a friend who's been going thru a rough time, so we fixed dinner for her family and drove out to her house to deliver it. We took a walk after dinner down to the library to pick up a few books (a Karen Kingsbury novel and another book on Hawaii). I absolutely LOVE our neighborhood! We live right in the city, within walking distance to so many places that I could get by without using my car for days if I was serious about it.

As we were walking home, we heard a booming familiar voice yelling at us, and there in front of their beautiful home were Big John and Betty from our church. We had no idea we were such close neighbors, but it was a terrific surprise to stop and visit with them for awhile. We later watched the season premiere of the Amazing Race. (I am DYING to be on that show!!) We feel so much gratitude to God for all the little things that made our day... the cool air which was perfect for an evening walk, our comfortable home, a good meal, having a friend to serve, our neighborhood, the laughter at Big John and Betty's house, our stupid cat, our love for each other, our forgiveness through Jesus. Thanks, God!

Don and I agree that one of our greatest blessings is that of our awesome church family. We've only been going to Arlington since February but it is definitely home to us. People have been so welcoming and loving! When I had my surgery in May, my Sunday school class sent over enough food to feed us for a week, and these were people I hardly even knew. And I got cards and phone calls from people I didn't know at all, all to tell me that they were praying for me. I am comforted to know that if something were to happen to me, that Don would be well cared for. As soon as I walk in the door, I feel like I can relax... I'm among brothers and sisters, people who are motivated by God's love, people who encourage and not tear down. That is such a difference from the environment that I was accustomed to at Briarcliff... people were so critical and discouraging and self-centered. I feel like the people of Arlington are cleansing me from the pollution of my spirit that happened while at the 'cliff, as though I am finally seeing again the goodness that exists within others.

What next?

Well, today was not very productive! I am feeling somewhat guilty, considering that my husband is out slaving away and I was sitting here at the house. He has been totally supportive of me regarding my "sabbatical", but I'm not exactly used to letting someone else take care of me like this!

It has been over a month since I worked out my 30-day notice at "the cliff", and I have never been happier about taking the risk to walk away. My nursing home career began as I was a college sophomore on a mission trip to Asheville, NC with the CNC gospel choir. We visited a nursing home to sing to the residents, and I walked out of that building knowing that my life had changed, that I was changed. That was where God revealed to me that I had a true gift for patience and understanding with elderly people. He gave me total peace about the direction my life was taking, from changing my class schedule to beginning my internship with a local nursing home. After graduation, I spent the past five years growing in my career as a social worker, serving at different facilities as promotions and better opportunities presented themselves.

This year, however, I started growing increasingly restless. I always said that once I had children, I wouldn't be able to do nursing home social work anymore because of the stress, but it all came bearing down on me much sooner than I had anticipated. Most people really have no idea what goes on in a facility, and it's probably a good thing to be ignorant of it! The problems I had weren't merely dealing with heavy doses of loss and death, even though those things certainly got to me at times! It was the constant uphill battle that I was facing EVERY single day. If I wasn't fending off complaining family members (always upset about situations beyond my control), I was fighting a roomful of nurses who couldn't understand why piling on more psychotropic medications weren't the answer to all of Mr. Smith's problems. Add in overflowing stacks of pointless paperwork, and a schedule that never allowed me to forecast when I got to go home each day, and you have a recipe for burnout!! It's too bad, really. The residents were great for the most part; it's everything else that I could no longer stomach. However, there comes a time when your sanity and your marriage are more important than your finances. Don got what was left of me every day, and that wasn't fair to him. I have had the gnawing feeling for months that God is calling me in a different direction, and I think this is His way of telling me that it's time to move on.

So... with Don's encouragement, I gave my notice with perfect peace. My boss thought I was crazy, and perhaps he's correct in that assumption, considering I'm sitting here with no job and bills are rolling in. But I know that God's not going to let us starve... that He knows my needs. My father has never been one to be quoting Scripture to me, but he reminded me to "seek first His kingdom and His righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well" (Matthew 6:33). God used my dad to speak to me and to settle my heart... how awesome is that?! This past month has been a time of reflection like no other I've ever experienced, as my only duties have been to care for my husband, and to focus on my Lord. I am confident that He has a plan for me even greater than anything I could dream up on my own. Sure, I'm broke, but am I ever excited!

In the beginning...

I can't believe I'm doing this. Not only am I SO not a computer junkie, nor all that great of a writer, I've also had some disdain for those who had enough time to waste that they'd sit around typing for no other reason than to show the world how brilliant they are. At least that was my perception. I've come to realize, through a friends's website, that a blog can be not only keep me "honest", but it's a great way to keep in touch with people you care about (and to get some interesting discussions going). I also tend to be plagued by the problem of my tongue not keeping up with my brain. Most people have the opposite problem, but for me, I keep my mouth shut more often when I wish I used it. So, for all of my own stupid reasons, here I am.

The short story on me: I'm 26, newly married to a terrific soul, Donald (happy anniversary yesterday, babe!), recently unemployed by choice, and a Christian because of love. I hope to use this space to share that love and to show how it changes me.