I've been kinda emotional lately.
Seems like certain things have been building inside of me and this weekend they reached a boiling point. Friday night, Don was out working, so I did what I always do when I need alone time to think: I got in the car. I drove for three hours and it only felt like 30 minutes.
Our youth at church led an awesome worship service last night, and it was exactly where I needed to be. God has been speaking to me lately and had been chiseling away at my hardened heart, and the walls came crashing down through prayer and a lot of tears during worship.
So today, I felt emotionally drained. Too wiped out to be worth much, to be honest. At work, I spent most of the day alone, unpacking and stocking VBS material. Usually I would find that to be tedious work, but today I was actually grateful for it. I got a chance to examine what the kids were using in Bible school this year, and I was able to think about and pray for the children who were receiving the materials.
This is going to sound crazy, I know, but as I was unpacking the VBS stuff, I got all choked up over a picture of a squirrel! It was just the sweetest little drawing. I know I think about things WAAAAY too much, but I imagined someone putting a lot of effort into drawing that happy little squirrel just to please some kid!
It took me back to the summer I attended Bible school and came to know the Lord. I remember a picture of Jesus in my little workbook. I remember, plain as day, how he stood against a bright yellow background, with gentle eyes, an excited smile, and His arms outstretched. I spent a lot of time gazing at that picture just trying to grasp, in my 9-year-old mind, the intensity of His love for me.
Some things haven't changed much.
But then again, can we ever truly comprehend God's love?
I still struggle with letting myself fall into the depths of His passion. I have twenty-six years worth of sins... of pride, selfishness, broken relationships, on and on and on... and somehow God still finds me as precious and beautiful today as the day when I first jumped into His arms as a child.
Oh, how I need His grace!!
Tuesday, February 21, 2006
Wednesday, February 15, 2006
Ahhh... love!
Valentine's Day... usually overrated but this year was one of the best! Last night we got all "gussied up" and went to a sweetheart banquet at the Christian Center. We had dinner by candlelight and then an intimate concert with Mark Harris of 4Him. Both the meal and the music were wonderful and such a blessing! I had seen 4Him before and was a moderate fan, but last night I was not only amazed by Mark's talent but also the sincerity of his love for the Lord. I will remember that terrific evening out for a long, long time!
Don and I are both so practical that we amuse ourselves by how little we can get by with spending. We agreed that we really don't need extravagant gifts for each other, and it turns out that we both spent less than 20 bucks!
I found him a gorgeous black wool coat on clearance, but he easily trumped that with his gift to me. When we were in Hawaii, I fell in love with this passionfruit orange juice that's sold in cans in convenience stores. I ended up buying that stuff every time we stopped somewhere, and it was such a treat because I knew I'd never find it again on the mainland. (The same thing happened with me and Canadian Kit-Kat bars. Anyway...) So Don goes and orders a 12-pack of the juice for me and has it shipped to our house. And would you believe that I'm like a kid at Christmas? One taste of that stuff and I'm back in paradise! Yes, we're a little unconventional, but Don knows how to take good care of my heart. :)
Our marriage has been far from perfect. Newlywed bliss?? Satan loves to attack Christian marriages and ours has been under intense fire since day one.
But Don is my match in every way. He is solid but gentle, humble and unassuming, with a giant heart, a knack for one-liners that keeps me laughing all the time, and a love for me that is far deeper than anything I ever could've imagined before I met him. Apart from my salvation, my husband is God's greatest gift to me.
I wish I knew how to love him better.
Don and I are both so practical that we amuse ourselves by how little we can get by with spending. We agreed that we really don't need extravagant gifts for each other, and it turns out that we both spent less than 20 bucks!
I found him a gorgeous black wool coat on clearance, but he easily trumped that with his gift to me. When we were in Hawaii, I fell in love with this passionfruit orange juice that's sold in cans in convenience stores. I ended up buying that stuff every time we stopped somewhere, and it was such a treat because I knew I'd never find it again on the mainland. (The same thing happened with me and Canadian Kit-Kat bars. Anyway...) So Don goes and orders a 12-pack of the juice for me and has it shipped to our house. And would you believe that I'm like a kid at Christmas? One taste of that stuff and I'm back in paradise! Yes, we're a little unconventional, but Don knows how to take good care of my heart. :)
Our marriage has been far from perfect. Newlywed bliss?? Satan loves to attack Christian marriages and ours has been under intense fire since day one.
But Don is my match in every way. He is solid but gentle, humble and unassuming, with a giant heart, a knack for one-liners that keeps me laughing all the time, and a love for me that is far deeper than anything I ever could've imagined before I met him. Apart from my salvation, my husband is God's greatest gift to me.
I wish I knew how to love him better.
Saturday, February 11, 2006
When the psych degree rears its ugly head
A shout-out to my fellow INFJ's... and some insight for those who have to put up with us!
Excerpts from www.personalitypage.com
INFJs are gentle, caring, complex and highly intuitive individuals. Artistic and creative, they live in a world of hidden meanings and possibilities. Only one percent of the population has an INFJ Personality Type, making it the most rare of all the types.
INFJs place great importance on havings things orderly and systematic in their outer world. They put a lot of energy into identifying the best system for getting things done, and constantly define and re-define the priorities in their lives. On the other hand, they know things intuitively, without being able to pinpoint why, and without detailed knowledge of the subject at hand. They are usually right, and they usually know it. Consequently, INFJs put a tremendous amount of faith into their instincts and intuitions. This is something of a conflict between the inner and outer worlds, and may result in some signs of disarray in an otherwise orderly tendency, such as a consistently messy desk.
INFJs have uncanny insight into people and situations. They get "feelings" about things and intuitively understand them. They are deep, complex individuals, who are quite private and typically difficult to understand. INFJs hold back part of themselves, and can be secretive.
But the INFJ is as genuinely warm as they are complex. INFJs hold a special place in the heart of people who they are close to, who are able to see their special gifts and depth of caring. INFJs are concerned for people's feelings, and try to be gentle to avoid hurting anyone. They are very sensitive to conflict, and cannot tolerate it very well. Situations which are charged with conflict may drive the normally peaceful INFJ into a state of agitation or charged anger. They tend to internalize conflict into their bodies, and experience health problems when under a lot of stress.
Because the INFJ has such strong intuitive capabilities, they trust their own instincts above all else. This may result in an INFJ stubborness and tendency to ignore other people's opinions. They believe that they're right. On the other hand, INFJ is a perfectionist who doubts that they are living up to their full potential. INFJs are rarely at complete peace with themselves - there's always something else they should be doing to improve themselves and the world around them. They believe in constant growth, and don't often take time to revel in their accomplishments. They have strong value systems, and need to live their lives in accordance with what they feel is right. In deference to the Feeling aspect of their personalities, INFJs are in some ways gentle and easy going. Conversely, they have very high expectations of themselves, and frequently of their families.
If they are religious, they probably are social with members of their religious community. After that, the INFJ may have friends represented from any of the personality types. They are usually extremely intuitive individuals, who will have no patience for anyone they feel is dishonest or corrupt. They'll have no interest in being around these kinds of people.
All kinds of people are drawn towards the INFJ. They are usually quite popular, although they may be unaware of it themselves, because they don't place a lot of importance on it. The INFJ is valued by their close friends for their warmth and consideration, their new and interesting ways of looking at things, and for their ability to inspire and motivate others to be the best that they can be.
Excerpts from www.personalitypage.com
INFJs are gentle, caring, complex and highly intuitive individuals. Artistic and creative, they live in a world of hidden meanings and possibilities. Only one percent of the population has an INFJ Personality Type, making it the most rare of all the types.
INFJs place great importance on havings things orderly and systematic in their outer world. They put a lot of energy into identifying the best system for getting things done, and constantly define and re-define the priorities in their lives. On the other hand, they know things intuitively, without being able to pinpoint why, and without detailed knowledge of the subject at hand. They are usually right, and they usually know it. Consequently, INFJs put a tremendous amount of faith into their instincts and intuitions. This is something of a conflict between the inner and outer worlds, and may result in some signs of disarray in an otherwise orderly tendency, such as a consistently messy desk.
INFJs have uncanny insight into people and situations. They get "feelings" about things and intuitively understand them. They are deep, complex individuals, who are quite private and typically difficult to understand. INFJs hold back part of themselves, and can be secretive.
But the INFJ is as genuinely warm as they are complex. INFJs hold a special place in the heart of people who they are close to, who are able to see their special gifts and depth of caring. INFJs are concerned for people's feelings, and try to be gentle to avoid hurting anyone. They are very sensitive to conflict, and cannot tolerate it very well. Situations which are charged with conflict may drive the normally peaceful INFJ into a state of agitation or charged anger. They tend to internalize conflict into their bodies, and experience health problems when under a lot of stress.
Because the INFJ has such strong intuitive capabilities, they trust their own instincts above all else. This may result in an INFJ stubborness and tendency to ignore other people's opinions. They believe that they're right. On the other hand, INFJ is a perfectionist who doubts that they are living up to their full potential. INFJs are rarely at complete peace with themselves - there's always something else they should be doing to improve themselves and the world around them. They believe in constant growth, and don't often take time to revel in their accomplishments. They have strong value systems, and need to live their lives in accordance with what they feel is right. In deference to the Feeling aspect of their personalities, INFJs are in some ways gentle and easy going. Conversely, they have very high expectations of themselves, and frequently of their families.
If they are religious, they probably are social with members of their religious community. After that, the INFJ may have friends represented from any of the personality types. They are usually extremely intuitive individuals, who will have no patience for anyone they feel is dishonest or corrupt. They'll have no interest in being around these kinds of people.
All kinds of people are drawn towards the INFJ. They are usually quite popular, although they may be unaware of it themselves, because they don't place a lot of importance on it. The INFJ is valued by their close friends for their warmth and consideration, their new and interesting ways of looking at things, and for their ability to inspire and motivate others to be the best that they can be.
Friday, February 10, 2006
hands bound tightly
I hate having to restrain myself in my writing. I used to keep actual paper journals, but one was taken from me and read several years ago, and I still haven't recovered from that experience. Honestly. I felt thoroughly violated by someone whom I had always trusted. And I haven't been able to write explicitly since then. That's why I figured I'd go public with the blog... if I'm going to be "on display" then I might as well go all out, right?
There are so many days when I want to sit down at this computer and pound out my anger and frustration, but I can't. I can't go anywhere near this journal out of fear that I'll reveal something I'll regret later. And yes, I have plenty of things to be angry about, the most serious of which will never, ever make it to this site or past the couple of people who know about it. Everyone has a cross to bear and I am no different.
Don't look for a purpose to this ramble. Just venting.
There are so many days when I want to sit down at this computer and pound out my anger and frustration, but I can't. I can't go anywhere near this journal out of fear that I'll reveal something I'll regret later. And yes, I have plenty of things to be angry about, the most serious of which will never, ever make it to this site or past the couple of people who know about it. Everyone has a cross to bear and I am no different.
Don't look for a purpose to this ramble. Just venting.
Friday, February 3, 2006
Why can't I be a professional juror?
I completed my 2-week term of jury service on Wednesday afternoon, and thankfully it ended much better than it began. My first week was a joke! I went and either sat around all day or was sent home. Beginning on Monday, however, they actually put me to work!
The trial in which I served was for the case of a 57-year-old white woman who allegedly tried to mow down a 6-year-old black boy with her car. I somehow successfully passed jury selection, even though I was questioned often due to the facts that I am childless and live on a dead-end street (both of which were relevant to the case). As the testimonies progressed, it became fairly obvious to me that the older woman was lying, and her only character witness, a black "friend", was also caught in a blatant lie on the witness stand. In spite of all of this, it still took over 8 hours for us to deliberate and agree on a verdict! We finally convicted her of felony reckless endangerment. Personally, I thought felony aggravated assault was more appropriate, but we could not prove her actions were intentional.
I was amazed that out of a room of 12 fairly randomly selected people with different backgrounds, that there was not one truly unreasonable or obnoxious person in the bunch. Everyone was very respectful of each other! There was no yelling, interrupting, or drama, even though most of us were passionate about our beliefs and we were all a bit stressed out, and tired of being cooped up. Imagine trying to get that many people to agree unanimously on anything... geez, I remember trying to get my singles group to agree on where to go out to eat and we had a hard enough time! It was fascinating to me to be a part of the evolving debate and watch how people's views changed. On Wednesday morning, we had 8 guilty's, 2 not-guilty's, and 2 undecided. By late that afternoon, we were unanimous.
I also loved how the juries are BABIED! We went out to lunch every day and ordered whatever we wanted on the state's tab... Calhouns, Aubrey's, the Lunchbox... and we always ordered extra dessert to-go to bring back to the courthouse. The bailiffs were downright hilarious and were also very attentive to taking good care of us. And I had never been in a courtroom before or therefore personally witnessed a trial, but I never realized how everything that happens in the courtroom is directed toward the jury. I guess from what I'd seen on TV, I expected to be tense and made to feel uncomfortable by the attorneys and witnesses. But the lawyers totally kiss up to you... they WANT you to like them and trust them.
I have a lot more faith in our justice system now. I see how it is slanted to let a guilty man walk away than to lock up someone innocent, but that is the price we collectively pay for our rights and freedom.
The trial in which I served was for the case of a 57-year-old white woman who allegedly tried to mow down a 6-year-old black boy with her car. I somehow successfully passed jury selection, even though I was questioned often due to the facts that I am childless and live on a dead-end street (both of which were relevant to the case). As the testimonies progressed, it became fairly obvious to me that the older woman was lying, and her only character witness, a black "friend", was also caught in a blatant lie on the witness stand. In spite of all of this, it still took over 8 hours for us to deliberate and agree on a verdict! We finally convicted her of felony reckless endangerment. Personally, I thought felony aggravated assault was more appropriate, but we could not prove her actions were intentional.
I was amazed that out of a room of 12 fairly randomly selected people with different backgrounds, that there was not one truly unreasonable or obnoxious person in the bunch. Everyone was very respectful of each other! There was no yelling, interrupting, or drama, even though most of us were passionate about our beliefs and we were all a bit stressed out, and tired of being cooped up. Imagine trying to get that many people to agree unanimously on anything... geez, I remember trying to get my singles group to agree on where to go out to eat and we had a hard enough time! It was fascinating to me to be a part of the evolving debate and watch how people's views changed. On Wednesday morning, we had 8 guilty's, 2 not-guilty's, and 2 undecided. By late that afternoon, we were unanimous.
I also loved how the juries are BABIED! We went out to lunch every day and ordered whatever we wanted on the state's tab... Calhouns, Aubrey's, the Lunchbox... and we always ordered extra dessert to-go to bring back to the courthouse. The bailiffs were downright hilarious and were also very attentive to taking good care of us. And I had never been in a courtroom before or therefore personally witnessed a trial, but I never realized how everything that happens in the courtroom is directed toward the jury. I guess from what I'd seen on TV, I expected to be tense and made to feel uncomfortable by the attorneys and witnesses. But the lawyers totally kiss up to you... they WANT you to like them and trust them.
I have a lot more faith in our justice system now. I see how it is slanted to let a guilty man walk away than to lock up someone innocent, but that is the price we collectively pay for our rights and freedom.
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