Things I'm grateful for now that I might not have had or appreciated as much a year ago:
- Grace.
- A faith that I truly own. It is not dependent on church or tradition or expectations or other people. I believe because I recognize who Jesus Christ is, how much He loves, and who I really am apart from Him.
- A faithful husband who chooses to love me wholeheartedly.
- Friends who invite me to just come on over to visit, when all I did was call to chat.
- A car that continues to run well, even at 183K miles.
- The freedom to cut toxic relationships out of my life, or at least diminish their place as much as necessary.
- Peace in knowing that God's justice is flawless.
- A dad who I am continually growing closer to and loving more.
- Discernment.
- High-speed internet!
- Friends who have known me for years and years. Particularly those who were around when I was a naive and overconfident 18-year-old, and who love me even more today!
- A pastor who serves with genuine humility, and who challenges me with teaching that is fueled directly by Scripture.
- My pregnant sister-in-law!
- The gift of my inner strength: the ability to keep laughing, growing, achieving, and loving...
- Knowing that who I am is based not on my opinion of myself, anyone else's opinion, or ANYTHING except my worth in God's eyes. I thought I understood that until it was challenged. Now I really get it.
Sunday, November 30, 2008
Saturday, November 15, 2008
Genuine
My grandma and I couldn't be more different. In fact, as I was growing up, I couldn't imagine a fate worse than a life like hers. All I ever wanted was to get out of WV, study, travel, and explore... all things that she never showed any interest in doing. Her world was tiny and in my eyes, stifling.
The day after her funeral last week, I drove to her house to meet with my aunts and uncles to begin going through some of her things. I sat in her chair with a mountain of old photographs in my lap, and simply let the tears flow. Where was she? Where was the familiar sound of her raucous laughter?
Notecards and photos... so many of my elderly grandparents kissing and playing... their 50th anniversary... Mamaw driving a boat... Mamaw cooking in her kitchen... Mamaw grinning at her 80th birthday party... Christmases past unwrapping gag gifts of rubbie duckies and toilet paper... Papaw riding my little girlie bike... Papaw in a shirtless group of GI's, one holding a newspaper with the headline "War Over"... my grandparents as teenagers, so gorgeous and strong... photos and letters from more family and friends than I ever knew she had. We always teased Mamaw for the mementos she saved. I found a pink envelope labeled in her handwriting "Keep forever", and inside were pictures of me. I found a thank-you note that my mom had sent her for helping take care of my older brother after I was born, and a calendar from 1980 where the only note in it was about my first birthday. In my hands, I held her treasures.
I set aside a pile of photographs to claim for myself, then sat quietly and gazed around the room. Her beloved parakeet chirped obliviously. She always loved birds and flowers and her immaculate gardens were evidence of that. She decorated her home with bird figurines and silk floral arrangements, the kind of corny knick-knacks that I'd always hated but she adored.
Sophisticated? Ha! Mamaw never cared what people thought of how she lived. She knew exactly what she liked! She raised her four successful kids, taught them about Jesus, spent her life doting on her family and friends, and stayed home with her flowers and her birds. She was content. She laughed and loved every single day.
Mamaw got it right.
I hope I will, too.
The day after her funeral last week, I drove to her house to meet with my aunts and uncles to begin going through some of her things. I sat in her chair with a mountain of old photographs in my lap, and simply let the tears flow. Where was she? Where was the familiar sound of her raucous laughter?
Notecards and photos... so many of my elderly grandparents kissing and playing... their 50th anniversary... Mamaw driving a boat... Mamaw cooking in her kitchen... Mamaw grinning at her 80th birthday party... Christmases past unwrapping gag gifts of rubbie duckies and toilet paper... Papaw riding my little girlie bike... Papaw in a shirtless group of GI's, one holding a newspaper with the headline "War Over"... my grandparents as teenagers, so gorgeous and strong... photos and letters from more family and friends than I ever knew she had. We always teased Mamaw for the mementos she saved. I found a pink envelope labeled in her handwriting "Keep forever", and inside were pictures of me. I found a thank-you note that my mom had sent her for helping take care of my older brother after I was born, and a calendar from 1980 where the only note in it was about my first birthday. In my hands, I held her treasures.
I set aside a pile of photographs to claim for myself, then sat quietly and gazed around the room. Her beloved parakeet chirped obliviously. She always loved birds and flowers and her immaculate gardens were evidence of that. She decorated her home with bird figurines and silk floral arrangements, the kind of corny knick-knacks that I'd always hated but she adored.
Sophisticated? Ha! Mamaw never cared what people thought of how she lived. She knew exactly what she liked! She raised her four successful kids, taught them about Jesus, spent her life doting on her family and friends, and stayed home with her flowers and her birds. She was content. She laughed and loved every single day.
Mamaw got it right.
I hope I will, too.
Sunday, November 9, 2008
Tired
My grandmother and aunt both passed away late last week. Spent 4 days in WV, which were meaningful, but now I have a ton of work to make up. Am also extremely concerned for several good friends who are going through some miserable personal struggles. My heart is heavy.
And I need to vent...
Just for the record, for those who are dying to know who haven't yet been brazen enough to ask:
Yes. I have lost weight.
No, it was not on purpose.
Yes, I know why.
Yes, I do eat.
No, you don't need to worry.
OK????
Since I've had, oh, five people comment about my weight in the past week, I wonder if the scrutiny will ever die down. Geez. Was I really that fat?
And I need to vent...
Just for the record, for those who are dying to know who haven't yet been brazen enough to ask:
Yes. I have lost weight.
No, it was not on purpose.
Yes, I know why.
Yes, I do eat.
No, you don't need to worry.
OK????
Since I've had, oh, five people comment about my weight in the past week, I wonder if the scrutiny will ever die down. Geez. Was I really that fat?
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