With a heavy heart

What do you do when you witness a parent treating a child in a manner that is at best, harsh and unhealthy, and at worst, emotionally abusive? (The severity of the parent's behavior depends on your perception, of course.)

The scene: a sunny Sunday afternoon at Adair Park, where the husband and I are stretched out under a grove of trees bordering the open field where pickup soccer games and kite flyers tend to gravitate. We enjoyed watching a sweet grandfather hitting a baseball to his two young grandsons. The kids obviously relished the attention from their grandpa, and he was loving giving it.

About an hour later, Grandpa comes back out on the field with the two boys, only this time they're accompanied by Dad. Dad first critiques Grandpa's pitching, at which point ol' Pappy retreats to the picnic shelter and leaves the game playing up to Dad. Dad, apparently needing a new target, begins criticizing the older son's catching, and my ears perked up when I heard the boy say, "Dad, I'm just playing! Please don't judge me! I just want to play!". Being a social worker, I can't help paying close attention to these verbal red flags of an underlying problem. Dad's response was, "yes, I'm judging your playing!". This boy, whose name was Caleb, couldn't have been more than five or six years old.

Dad then ignores the younger boy and instead focuses all of his attention on throwing and hitting to Caleb, and his comments continued to escalate. He was yelling at his son in the middle of the park and the comments only becamse angrier and nastier. Dad told Caleb that he was pitiful, that he was sick of his excuses about why he couldn't catch the ball, that he needed to own up to all of his failures, on and on and on. I can't even remember all of the things I heard this man say but they were so horrible that Don and I could not stop gasping at what this kid was being put through by his father. Caleb finally stopped protesting and just took it silently until Dad finished drilling him and had thoroughly sucked the joy from the kid's day and from his heart.

If this man had actually been cursing at his son, it would have been much easier to pick up the phone, get the cops to the park, and report this guy for abuse. But as the situation stood, I felt like my hands were tied. I couldn't call the police on them because it would look like I was simply a hysterical and meddling woman who didn't agree with Dad's parenting methods of trying to improve his son's game. I could not prove that any abuse had taken place, particularly since I did not hear profanities directed at the boy. The boy's mother and grandparents were also in the vicinity and were close enough to hear, although they weren't paying attention. Dad's behavior is not new, I'm certain... the family has to know how he is! Why, why, why doesn't someone in the family stand up for these kids?!?!

In hindsight, I could have tried to talk to the boy alone to find out how old he was and where he went to school, then maybe I could've called the school counselor or something. That didn't even cross my mind today, though.

I told Don that as a woman and a mother, I would never allow anyone, including him, to treat our children that way. If a man of mine abused me or the kids, then all bets are off, the marriage is over, and I'm never looking back (except to possibly hire a hit man to take him out). OK, just kidding about the hit man. Sorta. Let's just say Don wouldn't want to mess with me, and I'm 100% certain that I will never even have to worry about it.

Back to Caleb. I predict that this kid will turn out in one of three ways: he will become a convicted felon bent on rebellion, he will be a decent person but have severe emotional problems including estrangement and harboring intense hatred for both parents (Dad for the obvious and Mom for not protecting him), or he will turn out to be just like his father. I hope I'm wrong on all counts.

I pray that somewhere in the years to come, this kid meets Jesus and finds in his heavenly Father the love that his earthly father won't give. And I pray that the next time I encounter another little Caleb, that I will be more prepared and bold enough to make a difference in his life.

Part 2

Stuff I've been learning lately:

- It is never wise to make any comment whatsoever about another person's weight. Even if you think you're giving a compliment... just don't do it. I say this not because I have embarrassed myself, but because I have been on the receiving end of questions which have been unintentionally hurtful. Such as... "Have you lost weight?". What?!? I mean, I know I could benefit from a little toning, but I have never been overweight... come ON! Even when I have commented about wanting to lose a few pounds, most people protest saying I don't need it and already look great. So if someone asks me if I've lost weight, does that mean they thought I was fat before? Especially considering I haven't lost any? It doesn't matter if they follow up their question with, "well, you look great!". It still insinuates that they had thought I was fat. What I have learned from these conversations is that there is no polite way to discuss someone else's weight with them, period, and the subject needs to be left alone.

- Don and I have both been trying to be more honest with each other and with others in our life. What a growth experience it has been for both of us! In the past I have gotten myself into too many uncomfortable situations with other people because I haven't spoken up about something that bothered me, or I did things out of obligation in spite of having no real interest in the task or event. There's a fine line between being selfish and being assertive, and I trust that God will give me wisdom in my choices. I just want to be real with people and honest with myself in ways that I previously haven't been faithful.

- Along the same line, I'm opting out of home parties where the main goal is to get you to spend money (Pampered Chef being the one exception because I actually do use the stuff). The only reason I've ever attended them is to have fun with the rest of the gals, but I am so tired of wasting money!! You can't attend one of those parties without feeling obligated to buy some overpriced trinket, in spite of whatever the hostess says about not having to fork over cash. (Or else you're labeled as a freeloader. Hmmmmm.) I have given myself permission to be a party pooper and stay home. And you know what? It feels really, really good to just be honest with myself, and to take better care of our money.

- I have concluded that I truly detest west Knoxville and Farragut. I have been seeing more and more lately from people on "that side of town" that just turns my stomach. Even in my job... I am on each side of the county twice a month. Guess where the disrespectful, entitled, spoiled brat attitudes are? And this latest business on the west Knoxville school rezoning? Ooooooooh, I have never heard so much whining about how THEIR children deserve the best schools in the county and THEIR property values are going to go down if they're rezoned and THEIR children should not have to change schools because THEY don't want to. Please. I will never, ever live there, and I am determined more than ever to keep my shopping dollars on this end of the county.

- I have learned also that it's OK to be a tree-hugger. I used to think those people were a bit nuts, until somehow I started agreeing with them. I used to think that the planet's going to hell in a handbasket anyway, and whatever I did was not going to make any difference. The attitude shift that I have had is that I know I cannot solve environmental problems, but I don't have to exacerbate them. I still have a long way to go with consistency between my thoughts and actions, but now I enjoy recycling most of our trash and conserving energy. Don's really influenced me on these issues... I'm now curious about animal testing and research. To me, this is all a natural outpouring of my love for God and appreciation for the earth He's created for us. It's about good stewardship.

I like getting older and growing wiser. :)

Lots to talk about...

I feel like my mind is overloaded, not stressed in the typical sense, just overflowing with situations/subjects that require significant thought to come to either a plan of action or a resolution. I've got a mission trip to prepare for, choir and Bible school lessons and decorating to work on, family issues to deal with, a bedroom to finish redecorating, unfamiliar scenarios at work. I have been presented with some challenging situations with a couple of my friends and although I am concerned for them, they are adults and my hands are tied regarding their choices. Still hard to watch, though. Our big trip out west will be here before I know it, and I'm not as far along with the planning as I'd like to be. And I'm not stressed, really! Even though everything's pressing on me, and it sounds like I should be pulling my hair out, I don't feel that way at all. I feel very happy and grateful to have such a full life and such interesting things to occupy my attention.

Sometimes, like now, things are going SO well that I can hardly believe it's true. I try my best not to think about when the storms will come, but you always hear about how people are happily floating along and then BAM. A cancer diagnosis, a car wreck, a parent dies, a job is lost. I don't consider myself to be a glass-half-empty type of person, but on the other hand I don't want to take my situational happiness for granted. I know a lot of these thoughts probably stem from this online journal I recently finished reading. www.caringbridge.org/visit/katieferraris. Katie just graduated from law school when she was diagnosed with leukemia. She died a couple of weeks ago at the age of 29 after her 9-month battle with cancer. I never knew her (even though she's from Knoxville), but her story has touched me deeply. If you need motivation to rearrange your priorities, then read her journals from the beginning (her diagnosis) to the end (her death). Here's another one to break your heart: www.caringbridge.org/visit/lisajourney. This guy's baby died from a rare disease, then a couple of years later his wife was diagnosed with cancer and died the next year at age 27. Unbelievable.

OK, enough morbid talk. (I'm turning into my mother... yikes!) I promise I'm not depressed or suicidal, so don't go calling the "Intervention" show on me! I just feel a heavy responsibility to make the most of my life, which can only be positive for me.

Got to spend some quality time tonight with my buddy Amber. What a blessing she is! We became fast friends when she came shopping in the store one day last year when I was working. I rarely connect with people on both a head and heart level, but when it happens, it tends to last. My friends are beyond precious to me and I am so grateful to have another Christian girlfriend to share life's ups and downs with. God is so faithful!