Don and I went on the City People tour through downtown today, which is when people in different buildings open their loft apartments to allow hundreds of total strangers to traipse through and be nosy. It was actually kind of fascinating and gave me a renewed appreciation for downtown Knoxville. These lofts I was seeing reminded me of DC, not Tennessee... I never really considered how cool urban living actually was, even in our town. However, I didn't expect to walk away feeling so... poor. And unsophisticated. There we were in these beautiful, art-filled spaces, with style I could never come close to and money spent that I wouldn't know what to do with. And some of these people were around my age! Where are they getting all of this money?!?
Today was the first time in a LONG time that I have felt more than a twinge of jealousy, along with some insecurity thrown in. I'm disappointed with myself for even feeling that, but at least I'm honest. Today took me to a world that I'm fairly isolated from now that I've left the singles scene, that strange life where I always had friends over at my place, where I was always looking to meet glamorous people like the ones I met today, when I always had to have my hair highlighted and my nails done and trendy clothes in hopes of catching some guy's eye (and looking better than the other girls I was with... let's face it, we dress to outdo each other). What was sad, though, is that I enjoyed that life while I was in it. Does that make me shallow? Today reminded me that I've changed so much, and I'm not sure exactly why. Maybe I've lowered my standards, or maybe I've just grown up. I have a rather plain house. I don't work out as much and I rarely treat myself to new clothes. I quit my job and have stopped worrying about impressing everyone back in my hometown. I stay home more now than I ever thought I would. And my hair and nails? Yeah, like I'm going to blow money on that!
I KNOW in my heart that all of those material things don't, or shouldn't, matter. I KNOW that I have been blessed by God beyond what I deserve. I have found ways of dealing with this temptation before. This may sound crazy, but I consciously forbid myself to read Cosmo magazine and kill time at West Town mall simply because I haven't liked what they did to my spirit. It all made me feel like I don't have enough nice things, and that my job must suck because I don't make enough to buy the things I want. Then I would be discontent and miserable. I know that those feelings are not of God. He tells us not to worry, that He'll always provide, and He does. I guess this is just the first time I've had to deal with this struggle in awhile. And, I'm having to face that my life isn't where I thought it would be five years ago. I'm not sure how to process all of this... if my feelings of restlessness are a positive force meant to inspire me to push myself harder in my career, or if Satan's trying to plant seeds of doubt in my mind about God's goodness. I don't know. All I know to do is to turn it over to my ever-patient God.
