No more flu! I'm still coughing a lot, but I feel fine!
We've got a pretty crazy/fun month ahead of us! We're leaving tomorrow night for Atlanta to visit my parents. I haven't been down to see their new place yet since they moved. Lots to explore! Don's going to New Hampshire the next weekend, and later in the month we're taking a short vacation to Cumberland Island, Georgia, for our first camping trip of the season! Ohhhhh, I can't WAIT!
Spent last weekend in Gatlinburg for a conference through work. We set up a bookstore in the convention center and worked ourselves to death, but it was fun! I can't imagine three people I'd rather be stuck with than the ones who were with me on that trip. My friend and co-worker Jennie made an excellent roommate, and the guys were so sweetly protective of us. I love a man who knows how to respectfully defer to a lady! Guess I'm a bit old fashioned. :)
We saw "Memoirs of a Geisha" in the theater on Tuesday night. To me, it was the kind of movie you see once and that's enough. It was interesting although a bit depressing. Kind of like "Walk the Line". I would probably fall asleep if I had to watch either one of those movies again (I'm notorious for sleeping through movies, even in the theater).
During my Bible study last night, I ran across a verse that shaped my view on the death penalty. I've always been unconcerned with it. You would never find me campaigning on the steps of the courthouse with a megaphone and an Uzi.
But now, I actually do have an opinion.I found this verse...
"As surely as I live, declares the Sovereign Lord, I take no pleasure in the death of the wicked, but rather that they turn from their ways and live. Turn! Turn from your evil ways!" - Ezekiel 33:11.
Another scenario in Luke 9:51-56 also supports this. To me, this practically spells out that God doesn't give up on ANYBODY! I've always known that God's compassion is never-ending, but for some reason I had it in my head that there was a clause somewhere that said it was OK to kill murderers and rapists in order for them to be held accountable for their crimes. It is hard for me to accept this given that one of my friends from work was murdered just over a year ago, and that his killer, while awaiting trial, is now out living his life like nothing ever happened. "Angry" doesn't even begin to describe my feelings about that situation! But if the God I love is truly full of love and grace, than I have to accept that He extends it to my friend's murderer, too. I mean, I've known that in my HEAD but I haven't believed it in my HEART. I can tell that I will be turning those verses around in my head for a long time.
It is so human for us to want others to be judged, but not feel the same desire for them to be forgiven.
Friday, March 31, 2006
Monday, March 20, 2006
Gifts from our loving God
While I’ve been sick, I’ve had plenty of time to lay around and think. Sometimes being ill can be a blessing because it forces you to stop running, you know? So I decided to reflect on some specific moments of pure joy. Everybody has times of being on top of the world, of being totally exhilarated, in pure bliss. I’ve been fortunate to have my fair share of those times, and I don’t want to forget them.
So here are some of the absolute best moments of my life thus far, in no particular order of importance:
1. When Don proposed to me. We were in Maine, on a deserted beach at sunset on the day after Christmas in 2003. He asked me, and I didn’t believe him. But he eventually convinced me he was serious! We kissed and laughed and cried and prayed and froze ourselves to death. I remember excitedly discussing our wedding plans that night over dinner, and sightseeing in Kennebunkport the next day. I have never experienced anything so thrilling or intense as those 2 days!
2. On my first trip to Hawaii when I was 23, at the seven sacred pools in Maui. On the trail to the pools was the most beautiful place I had ever seen. The grass was plush and soft, the water perfectly blue, the air so sweet. My friend snapped a picture of me here… I was standing in the sun, my head thrown back, eyes closed, blissful smile, arms up, just totally immersed in the beauty of that place.
3. Becoming a Christian. I was only 9, but I remember how euphoric I was when I left the church that night. It was for real!
4. Don’s baptism was surreal to me. I’d rather not post the details here, even though there’s no secret about it. I just don’t think I could explain it all well enough here to do it justice.
5. My first kiss. I was 16, a late bloomer (for which I am thankful, in hindsight!). Ben was a strapping 6’7 and had to practically pick me up to kiss me. We found out later that we made much better friends than boyfriend/girlfriend. We still talk now and he even brought his wife to my wedding! Cheers to you, Ben!
6. My friends Brian and Heather’s wedding. They were both close personal friends of mine long before they started dating each other. I saw each of them through their periods of their “I want to be married / Will I ever find ’the one’?” concern. I was there to watch their relationship bloom from casual friendship to deep love, and I was blessed to stand with them in front of the church on their wedding day. Ain’t NOBODY getting the grin off my face that day! My friend Joy’s wedding was similar. That’s the good stuff, being with people you love on the most important day of their lives!
7. The day I closed on my house. Receiving the keys and coming into my house alone for the first time, knowing that I worked hard to earn it and it was truly MINE!
8. Walking down the aisle on my wedding day, and seeing my smiling, crying, gorgeous husband-to-be waiting for me there.
9. Coming in first place out of several hundred people while playing “Who wants to be a millionnaire?” at MGM studios. I didn’t actually win anything but bragging rights, but it sure was an awesome ego boost!
10. This is going to sound weird, but I had a pure bliss moment while sitting in an Irish pub in Halifax. I had spent the previous week in the company of a good friend of mine, exploring Nova Scotia and Prince Edward Island, doing whatever we felt like doing. The day before we had to leave, we found ourselves tired and hanging out in a pub late on a Saturday afternoon. We spent three hours having truly interesting conversation with several brand-new friends, and the musicians there were actually dedicating songs to the “two ladies from Tennessee”. I remember taking stock of the moment and bubbling over with happiness inside. I remember how confident and beautiful and alive I felt, and how I realized that my life was exactly what I had hoped it would be at that time. I was making money, making friends, dating, traveling, and having exciting adventures. I was on top of my game!
11. The night of my high school graduation. I had a cute boyfriend, a thrilled and supportive family, college scholarships, and a ticket out of town! Yee-haw!!
This collection of memories may not seem all that significant. I have so many other more “important” things I could write about, but I wanted to limit this list to those that stand out (for whatever reason) as the vividly blissful mountaintop experiences.
EVERY beautiful thing that happens in my life has been a gift from God! I am grateful to Him for giving me these experiences that have brought me so much joy. Even if some terrible tragedy were to happen to me tomorrow, don’t feel sorry for me… I have been blessed.
To close with lyrics from one of my new favorite songs, which inspires me to keep the wildness in my heart alive:
I am unwritten, can't read my mind, I'm undefined
I'm just beginning, the pen's in my hand, ending unplanned
Staring at the blank page before you
Open up the dirty window
Let the sun illuminate the words that you could not find
Reaching for something in the distance
So close you can almost taste it
Release your inhibitions
Feel the rain on your skin
No one else can feel it for you
Only you can let it in
No one else, no one else
Can speak the words on your lips
Drench yourself in words unspoken
Live your life with arms wide open
Today is where your book begins
The rest is still unwritten
So here are some of the absolute best moments of my life thus far, in no particular order of importance:
1. When Don proposed to me. We were in Maine, on a deserted beach at sunset on the day after Christmas in 2003. He asked me, and I didn’t believe him. But he eventually convinced me he was serious! We kissed and laughed and cried and prayed and froze ourselves to death. I remember excitedly discussing our wedding plans that night over dinner, and sightseeing in Kennebunkport the next day. I have never experienced anything so thrilling or intense as those 2 days!
2. On my first trip to Hawaii when I was 23, at the seven sacred pools in Maui. On the trail to the pools was the most beautiful place I had ever seen. The grass was plush and soft, the water perfectly blue, the air so sweet. My friend snapped a picture of me here… I was standing in the sun, my head thrown back, eyes closed, blissful smile, arms up, just totally immersed in the beauty of that place.
3. Becoming a Christian. I was only 9, but I remember how euphoric I was when I left the church that night. It was for real!
4. Don’s baptism was surreal to me. I’d rather not post the details here, even though there’s no secret about it. I just don’t think I could explain it all well enough here to do it justice.
5. My first kiss. I was 16, a late bloomer (for which I am thankful, in hindsight!). Ben was a strapping 6’7 and had to practically pick me up to kiss me. We found out later that we made much better friends than boyfriend/girlfriend. We still talk now and he even brought his wife to my wedding! Cheers to you, Ben!
6. My friends Brian and Heather’s wedding. They were both close personal friends of mine long before they started dating each other. I saw each of them through their periods of their “I want to be married / Will I ever find ’the one’?” concern. I was there to watch their relationship bloom from casual friendship to deep love, and I was blessed to stand with them in front of the church on their wedding day. Ain’t NOBODY getting the grin off my face that day! My friend Joy’s wedding was similar. That’s the good stuff, being with people you love on the most important day of their lives!
7. The day I closed on my house. Receiving the keys and coming into my house alone for the first time, knowing that I worked hard to earn it and it was truly MINE!
8. Walking down the aisle on my wedding day, and seeing my smiling, crying, gorgeous husband-to-be waiting for me there.
9. Coming in first place out of several hundred people while playing “Who wants to be a millionnaire?” at MGM studios. I didn’t actually win anything but bragging rights, but it sure was an awesome ego boost!
10. This is going to sound weird, but I had a pure bliss moment while sitting in an Irish pub in Halifax. I had spent the previous week in the company of a good friend of mine, exploring Nova Scotia and Prince Edward Island, doing whatever we felt like doing. The day before we had to leave, we found ourselves tired and hanging out in a pub late on a Saturday afternoon. We spent three hours having truly interesting conversation with several brand-new friends, and the musicians there were actually dedicating songs to the “two ladies from Tennessee”. I remember taking stock of the moment and bubbling over with happiness inside. I remember how confident and beautiful and alive I felt, and how I realized that my life was exactly what I had hoped it would be at that time. I was making money, making friends, dating, traveling, and having exciting adventures. I was on top of my game!
11. The night of my high school graduation. I had a cute boyfriend, a thrilled and supportive family, college scholarships, and a ticket out of town! Yee-haw!!
This collection of memories may not seem all that significant. I have so many other more “important” things I could write about, but I wanted to limit this list to those that stand out (for whatever reason) as the vividly blissful mountaintop experiences.
EVERY beautiful thing that happens in my life has been a gift from God! I am grateful to Him for giving me these experiences that have brought me so much joy. Even if some terrible tragedy were to happen to me tomorrow, don’t feel sorry for me… I have been blessed.
To close with lyrics from one of my new favorite songs, which inspires me to keep the wildness in my heart alive:
I am unwritten, can't read my mind, I'm undefined
I'm just beginning, the pen's in my hand, ending unplanned
Staring at the blank page before you
Open up the dirty window
Let the sun illuminate the words that you could not find
Reaching for something in the distance
So close you can almost taste it
Release your inhibitions
Feel the rain on your skin
No one else can feel it for you
Only you can let it in
No one else, no one else
Can speak the words on your lips
Drench yourself in words unspoken
Live your life with arms wide open
Today is where your book begins
The rest is still unwritten
Sunday, March 19, 2006
It got me
I guess it was inevitable... now I have the flu. It's not fun. I've been out of bed for 4 hours and I think it's time to go back in.
Wednesday, March 15, 2006
Random updates
Don has the flu. REAL bad. As in 102.5 degree fever, fetal position on the floor, constant pain, sleeping all the time bad!
As for other, slightly better news, we have a lot of that...
First off, Don's parents: His dad ran for election for cemetery commissioner in NH, and election day was Tuesday. Unfortunately, he lost, but he didn't get stomped. His first foray into politics, even! I'm so proud of him for putting himself out there. He's a pretty cool guy. Wacky, but cool.
Don's mom is doing GREAT! For all of her troubles, it looks like she's finally seeing the sun. She's even being baptized on April 9. Tonight I booked a flight for Don so he can be there to surprise her.
Don's applying for a job with Alcoa. He had one interview and had to go to the plant to take an aptitude test, and we found out today that he passed! Hopefully this will lead to a job offer! Alcoa's got a great reputation in the community. He'd get a huge raise, free insurance, lots of advancement opportunities, etc. It would have to be easier for him than what he's doing now!
I talked with my stepdad Bob on Sunday for the first time in weeks. I feel so guilty... I've been such a self-absorbed brat! He's lived alone in Atlanta for almost 2 months now, and I have yet to send him one piece of mail or even call him. I have absolutely no excuse. I feel horrible! It's one of those deals where time simply got away from me. I didn't mean to ignore him; it just happened. But I'm proud of him too, because he's adjusting much better than I thought he would. He's starting to explore the city, taking himself out to eat and meeting people at church. After our conversation, I talked with my mom for awhile. I think that maybe I'm starting to see some of why God's allowed all of the craziness in their lives... this move may have been the best thing that could've happened for Bob prior to his retirement. I can tell he's growing as a person, taking risks, and gaining confidence. I hope this will translate into an easier adjustment for him a year from now when's he's no longer working.
Hmmmm... what else... hopefully soon I'll have some good news of my own to share. And NO, not about babies!! At least, not yet!
Tonight I finished reading "The King of Torts" by John Grisham. It wasn't bad. Grisham's novels have lost some of their appeal in recent years... I think he's running out of ideas. I had "The Broker" from the library for 4 weeks but never could get into it. I've also been reading "Rachel's Tears", the story of Rachel Scott, a 17-yr-old who was killed at Columbine. Her parents wrote the book and include copies of excerpts from her journals. It's heartwrenching to read, especially where she wrote about knowing she would die within a year.
Sometimes I wonder what people would think about me if they read the stuff I wrote about when I was 17. I sure wasn't as focused on God as Rachel was in her journals. Yes, I had my faith then, but the guy-of-the-moment always got the spotlight. How different would I have been then if knew I would die in a year? How different would I be if that were the case right now? It's a sobering thought. I would like to tell myself that I'm where I want to be as a person, but that's far from the truth.
Guess I'd better hit the sack and get some rest. I'm trying my best to ward off the flu bug!
As for other, slightly better news, we have a lot of that...
First off, Don's parents: His dad ran for election for cemetery commissioner in NH, and election day was Tuesday. Unfortunately, he lost, but he didn't get stomped. His first foray into politics, even! I'm so proud of him for putting himself out there. He's a pretty cool guy. Wacky, but cool.
Don's mom is doing GREAT! For all of her troubles, it looks like she's finally seeing the sun. She's even being baptized on April 9. Tonight I booked a flight for Don so he can be there to surprise her.
Don's applying for a job with Alcoa. He had one interview and had to go to the plant to take an aptitude test, and we found out today that he passed! Hopefully this will lead to a job offer! Alcoa's got a great reputation in the community. He'd get a huge raise, free insurance, lots of advancement opportunities, etc. It would have to be easier for him than what he's doing now!
I talked with my stepdad Bob on Sunday for the first time in weeks. I feel so guilty... I've been such a self-absorbed brat! He's lived alone in Atlanta for almost 2 months now, and I have yet to send him one piece of mail or even call him. I have absolutely no excuse. I feel horrible! It's one of those deals where time simply got away from me. I didn't mean to ignore him; it just happened. But I'm proud of him too, because he's adjusting much better than I thought he would. He's starting to explore the city, taking himself out to eat and meeting people at church. After our conversation, I talked with my mom for awhile. I think that maybe I'm starting to see some of why God's allowed all of the craziness in their lives... this move may have been the best thing that could've happened for Bob prior to his retirement. I can tell he's growing as a person, taking risks, and gaining confidence. I hope this will translate into an easier adjustment for him a year from now when's he's no longer working.
Hmmmm... what else... hopefully soon I'll have some good news of my own to share. And NO, not about babies!! At least, not yet!
Tonight I finished reading "The King of Torts" by John Grisham. It wasn't bad. Grisham's novels have lost some of their appeal in recent years... I think he's running out of ideas. I had "The Broker" from the library for 4 weeks but never could get into it. I've also been reading "Rachel's Tears", the story of Rachel Scott, a 17-yr-old who was killed at Columbine. Her parents wrote the book and include copies of excerpts from her journals. It's heartwrenching to read, especially where she wrote about knowing she would die within a year.
Sometimes I wonder what people would think about me if they read the stuff I wrote about when I was 17. I sure wasn't as focused on God as Rachel was in her journals. Yes, I had my faith then, but the guy-of-the-moment always got the spotlight. How different would I have been then if knew I would die in a year? How different would I be if that were the case right now? It's a sobering thought. I would like to tell myself that I'm where I want to be as a person, but that's far from the truth.
Guess I'd better hit the sack and get some rest. I'm trying my best to ward off the flu bug!
Tuesday, March 14, 2006
Back to basics
Selling out just isn't me.
I had a meeting with the old boss and told him there was no amount of money that would get me back to Briarcliff. He was surprised that I was so unwilling to negotiate, but my heart was never at peace with the thought of being there again. It would have been, as one of my friends says, like staying in a bad relationship just for the sex. A bad analogy, maybe, but at least the point is clear.
On a far different note, music has been pretty much out of my life until this past year when I got involved in handbells again for the first time in 6 years. Then piano again here recently, and I forgot how much I've missed playing!! I feel so at home in front of a piano, and I know I actually do have a bit of ability which I feel bad for letting it go to waste for so long. I haven't had anywhere to practice except church, but I'm going to put some serious effort into acquiring a piano or keyboard somehow!
I've missed the creative side of me. I spent years ignoring it. After college, all of my energy went into working and socializing and dating and getting married. I didn't write, I didn't play music, I didn't cook. (Ohhh, how I love to cook!) Over the past several months, I've been getting to do all three again, and I've been so happy about it! I just didn't realize that I was out of balance.
Now... I'd REALLY be all set if I could just figure out something about a job... :)
I had a meeting with the old boss and told him there was no amount of money that would get me back to Briarcliff. He was surprised that I was so unwilling to negotiate, but my heart was never at peace with the thought of being there again. It would have been, as one of my friends says, like staying in a bad relationship just for the sex. A bad analogy, maybe, but at least the point is clear.
On a far different note, music has been pretty much out of my life until this past year when I got involved in handbells again for the first time in 6 years. Then piano again here recently, and I forgot how much I've missed playing!! I feel so at home in front of a piano, and I know I actually do have a bit of ability which I feel bad for letting it go to waste for so long. I haven't had anywhere to practice except church, but I'm going to put some serious effort into acquiring a piano or keyboard somehow!
I've missed the creative side of me. I spent years ignoring it. After college, all of my energy went into working and socializing and dating and getting married. I didn't write, I didn't play music, I didn't cook. (Ohhh, how I love to cook!) Over the past several months, I've been getting to do all three again, and I've been so happy about it! I just didn't realize that I was out of balance.
Now... I'd REALLY be all set if I could just figure out something about a job... :)
Thursday, March 2, 2006
Not an ordinary day
Wednesdays have become my favorite day of the week, since I'm off from work and can basically do anything I want to do. Today was dedicated to visiting. Went to Briarcliff, and had a heart-to-heart with one of my former coworkers whose husband and brother both died a couple of weeks ago. Then I saw Ida, who's losing weight AND her mind. Both visits were depressing, to say the least.
Afterwards, I drove a few hours to Kingsport to visit a friend whose grandpa's in the hospital, and after that I got together with my buddy Jason who I don't get to see very often now that he's moved away on me and gotten engaged. I think I actually made his day by going up there and making plans for dinner on the spur-of-the-moment. It's not often that I feel like people are THAT thrilled to see me, but it sure is nice when it happens!
This morning I received yet another call from my old boss at Briarcliff. This time, the replacement for my replacement quit. In other words, they've gone through 2 more social services directors since I left in August. He literally begged me to come back, and this time I told him I'd think about it and call him later. I am actually torn this time...
This time around... I have the upper hand. I can name my price and feel pretty confident that I would get what I want. Another point to note is that now all of my reasons for leaving have been validated. If 2 other women with 20-30 more years of experience can't take it, then obviously I am not the only one having problems with the system. A lot of things would have to change for me to work there again.
Am I selling out because I'm actually considering this? As miserable as I was when I worked there? Part of me wonders if the job might be tolerable again if I set the conditions from the beginning. I still haven't decided what to do with my career, but I know I need to do something where I'm making more money than I'm making now, and a golden opportunity is being waved in my face.
Why can't I have it all? I'm serious! I could stay at the store and have fun, but I'm mentally bored and making no money, therefore leaving me with no cash for travel or anything extra in our budget. Or, I could go back to work full-time and be financially secure but stressed out. Why does it seem like some people have no stress and lots of money? Why can't I be one of them?
I have never been at a place in my life like this, when I've been completely unable to make a solid decision and move forward. I have been out of the career track for over 6 months and still have not been able to make up my mind about what to do next! I don't know why I feel so incapacitated, but it's driving me crazy.
Afterwards, I drove a few hours to Kingsport to visit a friend whose grandpa's in the hospital, and after that I got together with my buddy Jason who I don't get to see very often now that he's moved away on me and gotten engaged. I think I actually made his day by going up there and making plans for dinner on the spur-of-the-moment. It's not often that I feel like people are THAT thrilled to see me, but it sure is nice when it happens!
This morning I received yet another call from my old boss at Briarcliff. This time, the replacement for my replacement quit. In other words, they've gone through 2 more social services directors since I left in August. He literally begged me to come back, and this time I told him I'd think about it and call him later. I am actually torn this time...
This time around... I have the upper hand. I can name my price and feel pretty confident that I would get what I want. Another point to note is that now all of my reasons for leaving have been validated. If 2 other women with 20-30 more years of experience can't take it, then obviously I am not the only one having problems with the system. A lot of things would have to change for me to work there again.
Am I selling out because I'm actually considering this? As miserable as I was when I worked there? Part of me wonders if the job might be tolerable again if I set the conditions from the beginning. I still haven't decided what to do with my career, but I know I need to do something where I'm making more money than I'm making now, and a golden opportunity is being waved in my face.
Why can't I have it all? I'm serious! I could stay at the store and have fun, but I'm mentally bored and making no money, therefore leaving me with no cash for travel or anything extra in our budget. Or, I could go back to work full-time and be financially secure but stressed out. Why does it seem like some people have no stress and lots of money? Why can't I be one of them?
I have never been at a place in my life like this, when I've been completely unable to make a solid decision and move forward. I have been out of the career track for over 6 months and still have not been able to make up my mind about what to do next! I don't know why I feel so incapacitated, but it's driving me crazy.
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