Dust in the wind

I've been a bit melancholy lately in realizing that life is passing me by far too quickly.

I don't want to live a self-centered life, and that's what I've had in spite of my previous attempts to convince myself otherwise . God has been revealing new things to me through His word and through my circumstances... in that the time is NOW for me to lay down my life for Him, yet I'm still so hesitant. Is it wrong to have dreams and desires for what I want to see happen in my life? Am I placing too much emphasis on physical/emotional security and not trusting Him enough? What does it mean for me, as a young married American woman, to die to self and follow Christ?

In the infamous words of Eminem (of all people!), I only have one shot, one lifetime. I don't know how many days I have left before I have to leave this world. What will I do in the meantime? Will I set the world ablaze for Christ? Will I just get by? Will I make a difference to anyone, anywhere? Will God say to me, "well done, my good and faithful servant"?

I don't like being afraid. No one does. I wish that following God didn't involve taking so many risks, but I know that I would never learn to lean on Him otherwise. I have to keep reminding myself that this world is not my home and that I don't need to worry about my life.

God's sovereignty and love have been more alive and more real to me now than ever before. He continues to show Himself faithful to me. I have witnessed spiritual warfare in my home and felt His tremendous power battling for me. I have felt the prayers of His people rebuking Satan on my behalf. I have experienced the gentle touch of His grace and the startling jolt of His discipline. God's heart is so good, so pure. I have finally come to understand, more clearly, what it means to have confidence in and truly BELIEVE in the goodness of His heart. Merely being obedient isn't what He wants... He wants my love. He is so sweet. I am desperate for Him to continue working in me.